Useless: Male Superhero in a Reverse World
Chapter 6

Late in the morning Dan was able to get to the offices of Hazel and Richardson a few blocks south of Faneuil Hall.  The building was modern and impressive.  A woman named Janice had called him up and organized a meeting with him so they could have an interview and do some basic tests.  When he entered, he saw the place had more than a few women dressed in body hugging suits and capes.  He knew he was in the right place.

He approached the information desk and talked to an aging lady with thick glasses.  “Ma’am, I’d like to know where to go for a meeting with Ms. Janice Hezeroff.”

The receptionist raised her head slowly, and then raised her eyes to look at him.  “Ah,  I was told you’d be here.  I’ll send you up.  Take the bronze colored elevator to the top, she’s waiting for you.”

“Thank you.”  As he walked past the desk to the lifts, the old lady stared a bit too long at Dan's butt and shook her head. “If only I were a few years younger, I’d tap that so hard I’d snap my pelvis.”

The young man took the elevator to the fifty-fifth floor and stepped into an open space taking up the entire floor.  The windows wrapped all the way around and showed the skyline in all directions.  A woman in an executive outfit was leaning against a marble desk in the center.  She smiled and approached holding a clipboard and a pen.

She offered her hand and Dan took it. “Janice Hezeroff, talent acquisition for Hazel and Richardson. Nice to meet you.”

“Dan Gadsen, the pleasure is all mine.”  He tried to give the most wholesome smile he could, don’t screw this up Dan.

“Let’s walk,  I find interviews to go well when I just record and can fill out the paperwork later.  Is that OK?  Everything you say will be kept completely confidential.  Here’s the non-disclosure agreement.  Just sign this and we can start.”  She waved her hand to get them closer to the windows overlooking the airport across the water.  She handed the clipboard and form that was filled with legal jargon.  The salient points were marked in bold font explaining the need for secrecy on both sides of the interview.

“Sounds good to me, so long as I get a copy of this agreement.”  He signed it. “How did you want to start?”

“First I’d simply like to know how you came into your powers.  You’re the first male superhero in history, the girls in research are dying to know.”

“We’ll, I was coming home from work and I was accosted by a bunch of rough looking women who simply wanted to rape me.”

“That’s awful!”

Dan nodded. “I had such a bad day that I told them where to stick it, ready for whatever was to come.  When they attacked me I didn’t feel their punches or stabs.  When I realized I was safe, I also felt that I could fight back.  And I did.”

“You put that thug in the hospital.”

“How did you know?”

Janice shrugged. “It’s our business to know things like this.”

“Is she alright?”

“Concussion, but she’ll recover.  She’s in jail right now, she had a warrant out for sexual assault a month prior.  You did good.”

Dan exhaled.  “That’s a relief,  I hoped I didn’t hurt her too badly.”  

“I’m glad you finally got to find out.  So, tell me where you’re originally from?”

“Boston born and bred.  Kinda.”

“What do you mean kinda?”  She raised her eyebrow as they walked along the edge of the vast space looking down at the people below.

“You’re going to think it’s crazy.”

She patted his back.  “I tend to avoid thinking that about people who can fly.”

“This is not my world.”

“Huh?”  She stopped.

“One day I woke up and found myself in a dumpster.  When I got out, the number of men walking around dropped dramatically.  Women are now much more dominant.  It’s like I’ve been transported to an alternate reality.”

“What do you remember before the dumpster?”

“I remember my life fully, but the time right before I woke up there is a blank.  I was working as a web developer,  making websites.”

“Ah I see,  that’s not usually men’s work is it?”

“Well, it was.  I remember men and women being essentially equal in number and power.  Even in recent history, men were in far more control.  I don’t remember men being so few in number, nor so …. Weak.”

“Fascinating.  Any history of mental illness in your family?  Have you tried to contact them since that morning?”

“Here’s the thing.  I don’t seem to have any family anymore.  I know their names, but it’s like they vanished.  There are no Gadsens in Boston,  I’ve looked everywhere.  There’s Gadzons and Gatsens, but I can’t find my family.  The phone numbers don’t pick up.  I even tried finding my parents house.  It’s a gas station now.”

Janice rubbed his back.  “I can never know how painful this has been for you.  Simply a tragedy.  How did you survive?  Did you call social services to get you emergency shelter?  How did you eat?  Where did you sleep?”

“Those first few days were tough, I smelled so bad I wasn’t able to talk to anyone.  My phone didn’t work and I tried searching around.  I thought about talking to the cops, but I was afraid. I know it was stupid, but I thought approaching a police officer saying that stuff would put me in a mental institution.  So I became a bum.  I begged for a bit, then I found work.”

“Where?”

“It was the only work I could find that would even talk to me in the state I was in.  I got a job at the Candycade.  It’s a lady’s club.”

“Oh….ooooohhhhh”  Janice cringed.

“I’m not too proud of what I did, nor my current lifestyle.  That’s partially why I wanted to help people after finding out about my new powers.”

“I’m so glad we found you when we did then.  Your life is going to get turned around, trust me!  Let’s get your strength and speed measured, and I’ll talk with my boss.  I’m going to make you famous!”

Janice took Dan down a few floors into what looked like a medical lab with a lot of reinforced gym equipment.  

“Dan, I’m going to leave you in the hands of our onboarding team to test your abilities while I talk with my boss Richard.  They will likely get a snip of your hair and a sample of your skin.  I doubt we have needles strong enough to draw blood from you.”

“That’s fine, I’ll talk to you later Janice.”  He turned to see a gaggle of cute nerdy types.  They looked thirsty. “Nice to meet you all, where do we get started?”

A mousy girl with glasses and a lab coat approached. “I’m Doctor Treda, nice to meet you.  We’ll need some basic measurements.  Please strip down and stand on the scanner.”

A couple of the girls stole glances at his junk and turned red.  When he got on a small metal pedestal, a matrix of laser beams criss-crossed the surface of his body.  Data gathered appeared on screens around the lab, showing a fit young man with no abnormalities.  

“Fairly standard readings.” Dr. Treda muttered. “Let’s see what you can squat.”

The test took a while as they slowly increased the weight on the machine until it maxed out.  The scientists all had their mouths open in shock, before clapping and whistling in approval.

“That’s a first.” Treda pushed her glasses up her nose.

“What?”

“You’re the first person to beat the machine.  Sally Comet almost did it when she was brought on board, but she tapped out five pounds underneath the max weight.”

Further tests all showed he was in the 99% percentile or higher for strength and speed for supes.  His visual acuity was top notch as well.  The invulnerability tests did get uncomfortable, but he still managed to break the machines tested on him.  He heard a few of the technicians curse as smoke rose from the breaker boxes powering the machinery.  

After taking a shower to wash off the scorch marks he waited patiently for Janice, flipping through the news on his phone.

…

“Richard, you can’t just put the kibosh on the first male supe ever like this!  After what he’s been through! After what our government did to him?!”  Janice slammed her hand down on a giant desk in the corner office of the founder of Hazel and Richardson.

Richard Hazel rolled his eyes.  “Can dispense with the theatrics Janice?  ‘What he’s been through,’ as you most eloquently put it, is exactly why we can’t use him.  Oh hey everyone! Here’s a super-abled man.  He was a two bit whore! Yay!”

He took a puff on his cigarette. “Would you buy your child a lunchbox with this guy wearing a fuck suit on the front of it? Face it Janice, he’s useless to the organization.”

“Most people don’t even know what a fuck suit is.”  Janice folded her arms.  “If we maintain secrecy he can be an effective member of any second tier group to start with.  He’s as powerful as they get.”

“Secrecy…for fuck’s sake Janice.  The tabloids will be all over him if we put him over.  They’ll find out, I guarantee it.  It would be a black mark on HR, and it would also threaten Project Equality.  If the public finds out we ripped this kid out of another universe and dumped him in the trash, the Department of Gender management won’t get another penny.”   He put out the cigarette and pointed at Janice. “The current administration will do whatever it takes to keep that program running.  I’m sure if his stats were any lower they would have sent a liquidation team to this office building twenty minutes ago.”

“Liquidate!  He could destroy Boston in an afternoon!”  Janice pinched the bridge of her nose.  “You don’t tell people like Dan to politely fuck off.  I won’t do it.”

Richard Hazel cracked his knuckles.  “Fine, then I will. Just make sure the Back Bay Blazers are there in case things go sideways.”

…

Dan sat in a comfortable chair trying to process what he just heard from a pretty boy in a suit.  The Back Bay Blazers stood along the walls of the office with depressed looks on their faces.  This Richard Hazel character was handsome and well built.  His voice was smooth as velvet, and it seemed like he could convince anyone of anything.

“So I can’t be a superhero.” Dan said as he stared out the window in shock.

“In a word… no.  Our services and offerings don’t mesh well with a man of your … experience.  We don’t think you’d be a good fit with the super groups we manage, nor do we think you’d be able to have a job with any other agency.”

“So what do I do?  Sit on my hands and watch people get robbed?”

Richard grinned. “I’m sure that certain establishments like… what’s it called again Janice… Cloud 9?  They’d be able to provide employment that would be right up your alley.”

Janice facepalmed and shook her head.  Dan gripped the armrests of his chair and squeezed, bending the metal in his hands like it was clay.

Cygnus put her hand on his shoulder. “It’s complicated Dan,  I wanted things to work out, but it just wasn’t in the cards.  I hope you can understand.”

Dan’s eyes went blank.  Her words and touch, Richard’s shit eating grin, and the view from the office knocked something loose in his brain.  Images flashed in his mind's eye.  He felt nauseous as he finally started to recall what happened just before he woke up in the dumpster.

“I remember.”  He stood up, pulling Cygnus’s hand away like it was a rotten fish.

Janice looked at him. “You remember what Dan?”

“Yes, it was you.”  He pointed to Cygnus.  “I found out you were fucking Richard.  I stepped out on that balcony.”  He pointed behind the sliding doors of the corner office. “No. I would never.” He started to shake for a few moments before freezing. He turned to stare at Richard Hazel.  “I didn’t jump Dick.  You pushed me off the building.  Instead of dying,  I ended up in a dumpster in a different world.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”  Richard backed away from Dan.  “This is getting very weird very quickly and I think you should take a minute to calm down.”

“Right.”  Dan slid the door to the side and stepped out onto the windy balcony. “I am calm Dick.  I now know you and Sandra can’t hurt me anymore.  Ladies, Dick… goodbye.”  Dan blasted off into the sky away from the building.

Janice ran out to the balcony.  “What the fuckity shit was that Richard?  You really blew it this time!  Cygnus, what the fuck happend between you and him? What on earth made you go off script like that you moron! This is some level five shit right here.  Better call the feds right now.”  

Cygnus floated out and pleaded. “Honest Janice I don’t know what he’s talking about!  I just met him yesterday.  Please Jan, you have to believe me!”

“He seemed very sure, Cyggi.”  Red Berserker tossed her hammer up in the air to catch it. “I need to talk to him.”

Cygnus called out. “I’m coming with you.”

“The fuck you are…”  Red shouted back. The viking threw herself off the edge of the building aiming to land at a nearby park.

Richard steadied himself.  “Janice, contact USDSAP and tell them what happened.  Blazers, please keep a close eye on him and if he so much as thinks about going villain you bring him down.  Cygnus, stay here for a moment.”

The white haired superhero turned to him. “I should be out there finding him.”

“It’ll only be a moment.”

When it was just the two of them he spoke.  “How in the hell did he know we were sleeping together?  Did you tell him?”

“I didn’t tell him a thing Richard!”  She started to tear up. “I didn’t even tell him my real name!  I don't know how he knows!”

“If word gets out that I fuck the talent, I’m finished. I thought we were being discreet.”

Cygnus approached and tried to reach out but Richard pulled away. “I swear I didn’t say anything to him Richard.  You know I wouldn’t do that to you and jeopardize what we have.”

“Sure.“  Richard lit up another cigarette. “I saw you eye-fucking him the entire time.  I know you more than you know yourself. Get the fuck out of here, I’ll call you later.”

…

Deleria Tremens sat at her local diner, across from her girlfriend and sipped coffee trying to act normal.  Her lover had a similar style to Deleria, but she had a much more masculine look.  The supervillain Obsidian wore a black leather jacket and spiked her short black hair.  Obsidian was eating her cheese fries and stared at Deleria.  

“What’s wrong Dee?”  Obsidian grunted. “You usually never shut up.”

Deleria  flinched “Nothing’s wrong!  I’m just tired I guess.  You know how cranky I get when I don’t have my eight hours.”

“This is different.  I ain’t never seen you scared.”  She dipped a fry in ketchup. “You fucked up, didn’t you.”

Dee felt the urge to use her powers to control Obsidian, but fought it. “Yes.  I fucked up.  Big time.  Remember that job I had a couple days back?  You were away that night.  My job was to take care of a guy who was causing trouble for the Zini family.”

“Yeah, so.”

“I decided to have some fun before I snapped him.  Things got out of hand.”

“In.  What. Way.”  Obsidian pushed away her fries.

“I fucked him.  A lot.”

“I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t play both sides anymore.  You were done breaking boys.  You promised!”  Obsidian started to bend every bit of flatware on the table and set them up in a neat line on the edge of the table.

“Well, the thing is.  He’s a supe.”

“A supe!  You’re a liar!”  She stood up, shaking the table and drawing the eyes of the other customers.

“Keep it down Obi!  I don’t wanna get kicked out of here.  Sit down, you’re the only one I can talk to.”

Obsidian bit her tongue and sat, placing her hands flat on the table. “Proceed.”

“It’s true, I saw him rough up some Zini thugs like it was nothing.  I wondered what it would be like to have a taste.  I know I agreed to it, but I couldn’t help myself.  I’m sorry.”

“So did you snap him?”

“No. I kinda passed out after a while.”

“WHAT!?”

Obsidian got up and walked out of the diner and threw a hundred dollar bill in the face of the waiter.  She seethed at the thought of a man doing what she so dearly wanted to achieve with the love of her life.    Deleria got her purse and chased after her.

“God damn it!”  Obsidian wound her leg back and kicked a fire hydrant like she was punting a football, sending it careening down the street before lodging itself sideways in a tree.  The supervillains were now soaking from the open pipe.  

“It gets worse Obsidian.  I recorded it and he managed to get away with the memory card.  I don’t know exactly where he lives, but he’s somewhere in Boston.”

“Aargh!  You fucking bitch!  I’ll kill him!”  

Deleria reflexively used her power to control her girlfriend.  “No! Don’t hurt him! I’ll deal with it, I just needed to tell you.”  She was surprised at her own reaction to Obsidian’s threat to Dan.  She never cared about anyone, let alone another plaything.    The raging villain visually relaxed, turned back and nodded.  Deleria continued , “Obi, we gotta run before the cops come.”  Deleria dragged her soaked girlfriend into her car and sped away, peeling out on the slick road.