Useless: Male Superhero in a Reverse World
Chapter 4

The Back Bay Blazers huddled over Sister In Law’s computer screen watching CC camera footage of a convenience store robbery. 

Sister adjusted her navy blue supersuit and pointed to the screen.  “He shows up right after the suspects assault the employee, coming in through the glass door.  Right…there.”

Sally Comet pushed her blonde hair past her ear and bent over looking intently, her blue eyes darting over the screen. “That slap, can we analyze the force of that strike?”

“Already done.  Seems to start out at a lethal velocity, but he pulled it back halfway through.”  Sister brought up rows of data and a graph.

The slime girl nodded. “He’s learning.”

Cygnus walked into the room, her white bodysuit hugged her gorgeous curves.  “What did I miss?  Who’s learning what?”

Sally Comet stood up and put her arms akimbo against her red, white, and blue uniform.  Cygnus always hated that overly patriotic uniform.  Sally opened her mouth.  “Newb-mbos1 is practicing crime fighting with non-lethal force.  Sister In Law just brought up some of the footage.”

Cygnus skipped across the futuristic control center.  “Let me have a look.  Wow, he is a good boy.  I couldn’t have done that better myself.”

Sister in law nodded.  “In addition he took a shotgun blast to his back at point blank range. He’s one tough cookie, even if that is body armor.”

Red Berzerker muttered to herself.  “Oh thank fuck he’s a good guy.”

Cygnus flicked her silver hair past her shoulder to look at her comrate. “What was that?”

“I’m just glad we don’t have a villain on our hands.  He looks strong.”  Red said.

Sister In Law put her hand on her chin.  “Something isn’t sitting right.  I can’t put my finger on it.”

Red leaned in to get a better look,  the blood drained from her face.  “Cygnus, can you come over here for a minute.”

The pair walked a few feet away, Red spoke in hushed tones. “Cyggi, doesn’t his outfit look a little familiar to you?”

“Looks like body armor, what of it?”

“Take a closer look at his.. you know.”  She pointed to her crotch. “Doesn’t it remind you of something you and I would occasionally … enjoy?”

“You can’t be serious.”  Cygnus looked back at the screen. “Holy shit.”

Sally Comet looked at Cygnus. “What is it?”

“He’s um… wearing a fuck suit.”  She pointed at the oversized bulge in the pants on the screen. “That there is a huge giveaway.”

Sally still looked confused.  “Fuck suit?  What’s a fuck suit?”

Cygnus rolled her eyes. “Figures you wouldn’t know about them, you goody two shoes.”

Sister In Law raised her hand to calm them.  “Yeah, Cyggi’s right.  He’s wearing coital armor.  A lot of supes have higher libidos than yours Sally.  Most men would break under the strain of intercourse with a super abled person.  Sex workers will either take performance enhancing drugs or steroids to improve their recovery times, or they’ll put on coital armor like this so they don’t end up dead from snu snu.”

Sally furrowed her brow.  “So he’s a pervert?”

Sister in law got up and paced.  “Not necessarily.  It’s actually very clever.”

Red walked around Cygnus into Sister in Law's face. “Clever? What are you talking about?”

Sister sighed “Most civilians don’t have a clue what he’s wearing.  It’s providing anonymity and some serious protection.  See that shotgun blast?  It barely scratched the outfit.  When he fights, it's unlikely his clothing will get destroyed.  These suits are more available to men than a superhero outfit would be.  It’s even fucking designed to take damage from a super abled person.  He’s very smart.”

Physalis sent a tendril to the screen.  “Well, getting in contact with him just got a whole lot more urgent.  He’s already starting to work.”

Red Berzerker picked up her hammer and walked to the door. “I’ll start my patrol.”

Cygnus floated into the air and drifted after Red.  “You’ll need help,  I can fly, you can only leap.”

Red clenched her hand around the war hammer’s handle. “Thank you very much for reminding me, Cyggi.”

“I’m only trying to help Red.”  Cygnus put a slender hand on Red Berserker's armored shoulder. “You don’t need to get upset sweetie.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little embarrassing for us to get upstaged by a man in a fuck suit?”

Sally pointed a gloved hand at Red. “He’s only protecting a 4 and 20 Red.  He’s not saving the world.  He’s doing stuff the cops should be working on, our jobs are far more critical.  It’s beneath us to do that kind of work.”

“You said it yourself.  He’s learning.  He’s strong.”  Red looked at her wrists.  “He may be stronger than us. We don’t know.”

Sally Comet floated and flew to Cygnus and Red Berzerker. “You’re right, we need to get clarity on mbos1 as soon as possible.”

Red thought to herself before bolting out the Blazer’s base.  I know exactly where he fucking is.  Why are you doing this Dan!?  

…

Bianca Zini sat in the back of Coroly’s sub shop playing a video of a 4 and 20 getting shot up over and over again.  She had been staring at it for a long time.  The Zini family had controlled this part of Boston for a very long time, and they had kept it relatively quiet.    Bianca was proud of her work as an underboss, in particular she was proud at stopping issues before they became problems.  She knew stopping this potential problem was going to be expensive, but it was going to be worth it.

A woman in an outfit that was a cross between body armor and a costume for a goth from the nineties came into the back and looked down at Bianca.  Bianca stood up and offered her hand.

“Deleria Tremens.”  She shook her hand firmly. “It’s good to finally meet a person of your abilities.”

“With all due respect Ms. Bianca, you’re on the clock.”  She pointed to the phone. “What’s your target?”

“New kid on the block Dee.”  Bianca handed the phone to her. “Some gang members not under my control decided to rob a convenience store.  Something like this usually gets handled by the cops.  Cops who are on my payroll.  I don’t like it when people put extra pieces on my chessboard Dee.”

“Looks like a guy.  He’s pretty strong.  You know what I can do, I’m not that much of a fighter.”

The mafiosi smiled.  “Rock, paper, scissors Dee.  I’m not going to send a fighter to take care of a fighter.  I need your brain.  Scare the shit out of him, break his mind, do what you have to do to get him off my turf.”

Deleria pursed her jet black lipstick painted lips. “I see what you’re saying.  I wonder if he’s cute under that mask.  He’s got a rockin bod. Is that a fuck suit?”

“I thought you were with Obsidian, won’t she mind?”

“What she doesn't like, I can erase from her memory.  How does this go down?”

“We figure this kid’s a local.  We’ll set up a similar robbery of the same store tomorrow at the same time.  You’ll be buying beer in the back when my girls do the deed.  We’ll be sure to make a lot of noise.  With any luck he’ll be passing by and doing his thing again.  We’ll need you to be Janey on the spot with your act or my associates are going to be blood pudding.  After that, you can drag him off to wherever you do your thing, and we never hear from him again.”

“I get half up front Ms. Bianca.  With a twenty percent hazard bonus.”  She twisted the ring piercing her lip. “If this boy manages to have any resistance to mind control, I’m properly fucked.”

“Ten.”

“Fifteen you cheap hag, and not a penny less.”  Deleria’s eyes began to vibrate.

Vini seemed to calm down. “Fifteen, right.”

“That’s a good mob boss.”  Deleria got up and walked out the front door. “Text me the details,  see your girls then.”

…

Janice Hezeroff sat comfortably in the waiting room of Director Lizzy Bakewell’s office in the USDSAP.  US Department of Super Abled Persons.  She had been called over here from her office at Hazel and Richardson SAP agency the night before and had to take the flight from Boston to DC at night.  Her eyes were bloodshot, but that was the price you paid to be this close to power.

The door to the office opened and an older woman in a pantsuit beckoned her in. “Janice, come on in.”

The office was wood panelled and was covered in pictures of Director Bakewell shaking hands with various superheroes.  The director offered Janice a seat.

“You smoke?”  Lizzy plucked a cigarette from a pack and wedged it into a cheap cigarette holder.

“Never picked it up.”

“Good.  I got hooked on them in the service.”  She lit up and puffed. “I’ve asked for a representative from Hazel and Richardson for a special assignment I think your agency can handle.  It’s a little unorthodox, so we want the best.”

“Really?  Thank you for the compliment.”  Jancie leaned in. “What’s the job?”

“We’ve just got wind of the first male SAP ever.”  She blew smoke out of the side of her mouth, away from Janice. She then handed over a folder filled with paper and photos.  “Details are sketchy right now,  but we think we got lucky.  The boy has beaten up a couple of criminals with a rap sheet a mile long, and hasn't killed anyone.  We’ve now calculated his chance for villany at only five percent.”

“That’s pretty low for a newb.”  Janice flipped through the dossier that she was handed. “So you’ve got the Blazers looking for him, and you want us to handle acclimation, management, and public relations.  The first male supe.  I’m seeing a lot of green Director Bakewell.  Movies, books, maybe a video game.”

“I’m glad you’re seeing this for the opportunity that it is.”  Lizzy smiled revealing yellowed teeth.

“We’ll have to reevaluate our protocols for gender bias.  Also, we’ll tweak the sales pitch for him.  How strong is he?”

“We don’t know.”

“I’m going to have to get my high power containment unit back online.  We mothballed it to save money.”  She closed the dossier. “When do you think the Blazers will get him?”

“They’re pretty good,  I expect them to capture him before the weekend.”

Janice stood up. “That’s not a lot of time.  My sales department will write up the RFP while I’m flying home.”  She shook Lizzy’s hand again.  “I look forward to getting him on our roster.  He could be the male version of Sally Comet.”