Useless: Male Superhero in a Reverse World
Chapter 3

Joan stared at Dan as he walked into the basement of the Candycade.   She lit up a Continental 100 and took a long drag as he approached.  Dan was going to the gloryhole room before Joan clicked her tongue and beckoned him.

“What do you think you’re doing?”  She croaked.

“I’m going to work, Joan.”  He went for a locker.

Joan pointed her smouldering cigarette in his direction.  “Fuck you Dan, ain’t no way you’re working the hole anymore while I’m house boss. No fucking way.”  

He turned to face her.  “And why is that?  I didn’t do anything wrong last night and you know it.”

“That’s exactly why you can’t work the hole.  You were perfect!  Dan, did you know you earned more for Candycade last night than you did the entire past two weeks working in that mouldy rat infested basement?  Ain't no way Danny.  Ain’t no fucking way.”

“And you expect me to just get up and get new suits like those bird boys?”  Dan approached the counter. “I’m not made of money.”

“Honey, you’re so money I bet you shit green.” She blew a ring of smoke in his face. “If you need a small loan to play dress up, Joan is here to help.”

“Do you need me to go back to my apartment and put on my best outfit again?”

“That would benefit the organization immensely, son.”  She took another puff.  “If you need Sam to help you shop tomorrow, I can arrange it, but I think you can do an imitation of him no problem.”

“Fine, Joan.  Goddamn it.  I knew it was a bad idea.  Like I’m going to get a tech job after yesterday.  Here comes gigolo Dan.”  He did a little dance and started to walk back up the stairs to the street when Joan clicked her tongue again.

“We ain’t finished yet sugar. Come here… come here!”  She pointed at the counter while holding the cigarette.

“What now Joan, I’m doing what you asked.”

“That’s appreciated, but this is something else.  That redhead you boned yesterday.  That made you the top earner for the night.  Sam told me that he overheard her say she was a supe.”

Dan froze.  “So?”

“Why you’re still fucking breathing is beyond me.  Supe women break bird boys.  They break men like you too.  The only  Y chromos that don’t get seriously hurt servicing supes are roided up muscle freaks.”  Joan waited a moment.  “Oh, so now the mouthy prick doesn’t have anything smart to say?”

Dan put up his hands in surrender.  “I’m all ears Joan.”

“I figure you're alive because she wanted you to dance around in your underwear, or some weird shit like that.  But if a supe wants more from a boy at Candycane, they’re going to need protection.”

“Protection?”

Joan slid a business card over the table to Dan.  “This is my contact for the tailor at the club Cloud 9.  You tell them that Joan sent you and you need a suit.  They’ll take some measurements and they’ll get one tailored for you.  They’re very discreet.  Go there at night and make sure no one sees your face good.”

“A suit?”

Joan rolled her eyes. “Do I have to spell everything out to you?  You’re getting a fuck suit, you jackass.  It’s something you put on that will stop those freaks of nature from fucking you to a bloody pulp.  It’s made of kevlar, steel alloys, and other weird shit. It’s even got a reinforced cocksleeve option if you want.”

“Damn.”

“Yes, damn!  Back in the 80s the papers were full of stories about coked up super girls crushing the skulls of peacocks with their thighs.  The fuck suits come with helmets and eye protection by the way.”

“Sounds like a glorified gimp suit to me.”

She looked around the room at imaginary colleagues.  “This fucker right here is a genius.” She extinguished her cigarette.  

“How am I going to pay for this?  It sounds expensive.”

“It is expensive Danny.  It’s very fucking expensive.  I am going to have to put it on my tab with them, at very high interest.  So if you do get one, you are going to be working very fucking hard to make it worth my while.  Do you understand me?”

“Yes Joan.”

“Come here Danny.”  He approached and she pinched his cheeks.  She reeked of tobacco and cheap perfume. “Look at this cute face.  I just want to eat you up, you bratty slut.  We’re going to make millions, you and me.  Joan is going to take care of you.”

“I am forever indebted to your loving care Joan.”  He bowed and walked backwards out the entrance.

…

Officer Sarah Igni was the last woman to own a Kodak carousel projector in New England,  and she was sure as hell going to use it for her presentation to the Back Bay Blazers.  The briefing room at the Boston PD was dark, and the projector illuminated the dust in the room as it showed an altercation in a dark street in Boston.

“This person of interest, ladies, is ‘newb-mbos1’.  We were notified of their presence by an officer in the city hospital after a thug was dropped off at the ER.”

A tall voluptuous woman in a slinky white outfit raised her hand. “Codes for new supes are newb-bos and number.  What’s the ‘m’ stand for?”

Agent Igni clicked the projector revealing a close up. “Good question Cygnus.  ‘m’ stands for male.”  The projector showed an image of a male wearing a hooded sweatshirt.  

A translucent creature in the shape of a woman raised her gelatinous arm. “Males aren’t supes though Agent Igni.  She must just be flat chested.”

“We’ve done more homework than that Physalis.”  She clicked again showing the same person flying down a hospital hallway carrying a woman.  “We have one witness describe the person of interest as a male.  They observed an Adam's apple, as well as a deeper voice.  Until we see contradictory evidence, the designation newb-mbos1 stands.”

A young woman wearing a patriotic red and blue outfit raised her gloved hand. “Hostile?”

The investigator shook her head. “AI models predict an eighteen percent chance of villainous activity.  Looking at his body language, he just looks unsure of himself.  A baddy doesn’t bring their victims to the emergency room.”

Cygnus raised her hand again. “Where is he now, did CCTV get an idea of where he went?”

“Nah.”  She clicked again showing a blur streaking down a hospital corridor. “The fucker was too fast to get a bead on him.  City gunshot detectors heard the sonic boom of him fleeing, and calculated his path to somewhere from the city hospital to Mission Hill or Dorchester.  Beyond that they couldn’t figure out where he went.  A smart kid would go in one direction and then turn, so he might be anywhere.”

Physalis turned her head completely around to look at the agent. “So what do you want us to do about it?”

“BPD would very much like assistance in bringing him in for questioning and possible referral to the USDSAP.  We want him on our side, girls.”  She clicked the projector again to show the best picture of his face they had, grainy as it was.  “Use extreme caution,  we don’t think he’s dangerous, we don’t want to make him dangerous.  Any questions?  Red, you’ve been quiet, you usually ask the most questions.”

A red headed girl in a viking outfit holding a warhammer sat up straight. “Um, no questions Agent Igni.”

Cygnus flicked her white hair back and chortled. “I think Berzerker has a crush.”

“Shut up white witch!”  Silvi stood up and readied her hammer. “I’m not one to swoon for any boy.”

“Ho, ho, ho.” Cygnus laughed harder. “I’ve touched a nerve.  Simmer down, or your face will get wrinkles.”

“Alright girls knock it off.”  Agent Ignis tried to calm them. “All we are asking is to keep an eye out for him and to use your circle of contacts.  Enforcement bonuses from MA and the Fed are available if you can get him into our custody within the next couple of weeks.”  She flipped a switch and the room went dark.

…

Dan flipped through his wad of Benjamina Franklins as he left the Candycade.  The dance floor at the Candycade was good to him that night and he made good money.  Silvi wasn’t there, which made him sad.  She was a good lay and paid very handsomely.  A few more girls like Silvi, and he could afford a condo down payment.

He really hated using cash for everything, but every attempt at becoming an official resident of this world was met with immediate red tape.  He gave up, and just kept big wads of cash printed with female presidents in his jacket and under his futon.  Tonight was not a treat night because he wasn’t in the top three earners, and didn’t manage to bed a woman.  They seemed to prefer the bird boys like Sam.  Tonight was a foot long hot dog and a big bucket soda night.

He turned the corner to see his favorite convenience store being shot up by masked gunwomen.  The poor old checkout lady had her hands up and two rough looking masked women were pointing huge guns at her.  Dan looked at his satchel which had the fuck suit that he bought on loan from cloud nine.

“Should I?”  He looked back at the 4 and 20 and saw the thug pistol whip the grey haired employee.  “No one hurts grammy! That fucking bitch.”

He ducked into an alleyway and a second later he came out dressed in a full black bodysuit.  The fabric allowed movement but he could tell it would protect him from crushing or impacts.  His cowl covered his head, only leaving a hole similar to regular superhero outfits.  The one thing that was embarrassing about the fuck suit was the codpiece.  It wasn’t really a codpiece, more like a banana-hammock, with quick release snaps. It gave the impression he has a foot long penis. He didn’t bother the tailor to adjust it, he had his pride.

“Ok Dan, tiny taps.  No killy, just knockouts.”  He crashed through the glass door into the 4 and 20 and slapped the gunwoman closest to the checkout.  The thug was sent flying headfirst into a glass door refrigerator on the other side of the store, sending up glass everywhere.

“Shit.  Sorry lady.”  He shrugged at granny.  He then heard a loud blast and a slight push on his back.  Black pellets skittered along the floor between his feet.  He wheeled around to see a husky masked woman with a smoking shotgun.

“Tiny taps.”

He darted forward in an instant and simply pushed her with both hands.  She too went flying backwards.  This time they crashed into the imported beer freezer.  He quickly checked to see that both of the women were breathing and stable.   Finally, he took their guns and bent them before dropping them.

“Lady, are you ok?  Do you need me to call 119?”

“You’re a supe?  A boy’s a supe?”  Granny opened and closed her mouth in disbelief.  “Never in a million years.  What’s your name, angle drawers?”

“Don’t have one yet I guess.  Hello 119?” He held up a finger to granny while he talked on his smartphone. “I’m at the 4 and 20 on Barbara St.  Yeah that’s the one.  There’s two people robbing a convenience store.  Yeah.  No.  They’ve got guns.  Thanks.”  He crushed his phone into a ball and tossed it in the trash.  “Can I get this cheapo phone please?  Here’s a Benjamina.”  He put the cash on the counter and picked up a cheap burner phone from a rack. “Gotta run,  sorry for the mess.  I just couldn’t stop myself when I saw them hit you.”  He opened the broken glass door and then flew away.

“Thanks sugar lumps!”  Granny waved at him goodbye while she picked up a baseball bat from behind the counter and approached the robbers. “You cocksuckers think you can hit me and get away with it?  You ain’t going nowhere missy.”