Surviving marriage in yandere world
Chapter 67: Royal Family Crisis: Five Engagements?

Chapter 67: Chapter 67: Royal Family Crisis: Five Engagements?

The day began with the subtle serenity of birdsong, soft morning light, and—

[System Alert: You are now a National Crisis.]

[Reason: You are engaged to five terrifyingly powerful women. Simultaneously. Public discovery imminent.]

[Estimated Panic Level: 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷 (Full noble wine spill)]

[System Tip: Consider faking your death. Again.]

Rei blinked at the glowing red notification.

"...I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP THROUGH A SATURDAY."

A second alert popped up.

[System Forecast: Today’s agenda includes political outrage, assassination attempts, and broom closet sobbing. You may want to hydrate.]

Location: Velvet Kingdom – Grand Courtroom of Scandal and Screaming Nobles

It started with a leak.

Not the plumbing kind—the kind that involved parchment, panic, and way too many wax seals.

A royal courier had mistakenly dropped Rei’s "Harem Scheduling Calendar" into the hands of a nosy countess, who promptly shared it with her bridge club, who then forwarded it to the royal gossip raven network, who—within minutes—delivered it to every noble in the kingdom.

And so began the Grand Meltdown of the Velvet Kingdom.

Inside the velvet-draped courtroom, nobles shrieked like opera singers on fire.

"He’s betrothed to five women!"

"One of them’s a dragon!"

"And one is literally the Demon Queen!"

"The Emperor’s daughter too! That’s international treason through romance!"

A baron fainted. A duke tried to duel his own shadow in confusion. One elderly viscount was using a monocle as a weapon to stab the air.

High Chancellor Beufort massaged his temples like a man aged by twenty years in one morning.

"Bring me the source of this madness," he groaned. "Where is this... Rei?"

Rei, meanwhile, was hiding in the broom closet.

"Maybe if I stay very still," he whispered, clinging to a mop like a lifeline, "the geopolitical disaster will forget I exist."

The mop fell in love with him.

[System Warning: You have gained affection from [Sentient Mop LV1].]

[New Title Earned: "Mop Whisperer." You must be so proud.]

"I AM NOT."

Meanwhile, in the Royal Crisis Chamber...

Eris sat in the rafters of the throne room, eating flaming popcorn again, wearing a baseball cap that said "I Caused This."

Across the room, Queen Aurelia—Seraphina’s mother—had a goblet in one hand and a glowing divorce paper in the other.

"You allowed my daughter to join a harem?" she demanded.

"She joined it herself," Rei mumbled.

"You kissed her in public."

"I TRIPPED."

"You kissed all five in public."

"There was an arrow involved!"

King Aldros stared at him like he was either a genius or a demon in disguise. "My boy... you’ve seduced an imperial heir, a demon queen, a holy priestess, a dragon empress, and my daughter... Do you... want to die?"

"I WOULD LIKE TO NEGOTIATE FOR HOUSE ARREST."

[System Suggestion: Plead insanity. Strongly recommended.]

Then, the doors burst open.

"EMERGENCY!" cried a guard. "An assassin has infiltrated the palace!"

Everyone gasped.

Rei sighed. "Of course."

The assassin landed gracefully in front of him—clad in black, wielding dual daggers, and probably more emotionally stable than any of his fiancées.

She paused and looked at him, tilted her head "...You’re kind of cute".

Rei blinked "What?"

"Never mind," she muttered, sheathing her blades. "I’m not killing you today."

"...Why?"

"I don’t assassinate people with tear-streaked cheeks and mop cuddles."

Rei wiped his face, mortified. "IT’S DUST ALLERGIES."

[System Alert: Assassin [Miray Shadowsong] Affection +5.]

[Warning: You are now technically engaged to Six (6) women.]

[Would you like to schedule a seventh slot?]

Rei screamed into the mop.

Back in the courtroom...

Drakana burst through the window like a flaming meteor.

"WHO DARES THREATEN MY HUSBAND?"

Lilia crashed through the ceiling, humming wedding music.

"I brought his baby photos to prove we’re destined~"

Rosette appeared from under the judge’s desk like a vengeful spirit.

Seraphina gracefully descended via chandelier.

Lucivella emerged from the shadows, sipping cursed champagne.

The nobles lost what little sanity they had left.

"This... this is a reverse harem coup!"

"Is this the end of the kingdom?!"

Queen Aurelia turned to Rei. "Do you know what kind of diplomatic incidents you’ve caused?! The Empire is demanding clarification! The Demon Court is preparing wedding gifts! The Church of Eternal Love is writing ballads!"

Eris landed in the middle of the chaos, spinning with jazz hands.

"Surprise! It’s not just a love story—it’s an international soap opera! With knives!"

Rei raised one trembling hand.

"I have a counteroffer."

Everyone paused.

"...Yes?" asked King Aldros.

"Broom closet. Lock. Me. Inside. Forever."

[System Notification: Cannot retreat into permanent janitorial isolation.]

[New Mission Assigned: "Clarify Your Engagement Status to the World."]

[Optional Objective: Don’t die.]

Rei collapsed again.

"System... why are you like this..."

[System Sarcasm Mode: You kissed five women In public. While dodging an arrow And now you’re engaged to six. This is called consequences. Enjoy.]

Later, after the crisis had partially stabilized with the help of a mass "Yandere Affection Treaty" signed in blood-scented ink...

Rei stood before a magical mirror recording a public statement.

"I, Rei, the... extremely unlucky son of Duke Aldreth, confirm that all engagements were the result of magical accidents, cultural misunderstandings, and divine trolling. I will not be marrying anyone without proper diplomatic consent and at least one nap first."

He paused.

"And if anyone wants to assassinate me, please submit an appointment request via the official registry. I will be crying in the nearest broom closet."

[System Upload Complete.]

[Statement Broadcast to: All Kingdoms, Empires, Demon Courts, Churches, and Cooking Guilds.]

[Public Response: "We ship it."]

Meanwhile, in the assassin hideout...

Miray Shadowsong pinned Rei’s poster to her wall and sighed dreamily.

"I wonder what he likes for breakfast."

[System Notification: Assassin Crush Level Up – [Obsessive Interest Achieved.]]

Back at the palace...

Eris hosted a celebratory dinner party, standing on the buffet table.

"To Rei, the man who started a war, ended it with tears, and accidentally built the world’s first romantically entangled kingdom!"

Rei, slumped in a chair, raised his juice glass.

"I hate everything."

[System: That’s the spirit.]

Still seated in the ruins of his dignity, surrounded by nobles either weeping, fainting, or tearing their family trees in protest, Rei stared blankly at the nearest goblet of wine like it owed him reparations.

A single grape rolled off the table and hit the floor with a plop. It was the most peaceful moment he’d experienced all day.

Until the grape exploded.

BOOM!

[System Alert: That grape was enchanted. You have triggered a Fruit-Based Security Rune.] [Congratulations: You just declared war on the Ministry of Agriculture.]

"WHY IS EVERYTHING WEAPONIZED?!"

Queen Aurelia took a sip of her drink, unbothered. "Those grapes were blessed by the Archdruid for fertility rituals. You may now be considered a father by several trees."

"I DON’T EVEN HAVE A PROPER BED YET!"

[System Note: You did sleep with five women last night. Technically.]

"YES BUT—NO—THAT WASN’T—STOP SNITCHING!"

Nearby, a royal historian was already drafting a record titled ’The Scandalous Slumber Party: A Velvet Kingdom Tragedy.’

Meanwhile, Duke Garvish from the East was yelling at a tapestry.

"I KNEW THAT DEMONIC CARPET WAS UP TO SOMETHING!"

"That’s a tapestry, Your Grace."

"I DON’T TRUST FLAT THINGS ON WALLS."

Several knights nodded solemnly.

Suddenly, a fire elemental tried to file a wedding proposal.

"Lord Rei," it crackled, shaped vaguely like a flaming humanoid lizard in a tuxedo. "You once complimented my glow. It is the custom of my people to consider that a courtship initiation. I have brought my dowry of volcanic pearls and 8,000-degree hugs."

Rei curled into fetal position under the table.

"Can someone check if I’m still alive? Preferably with a long stick?"

[System Confirmation: Vital signs stable. Sanity level: Circling the drain.]

"Thanks. Very comforting."

A small hedgehog with a tiara climbed onto his shoulder.

"I claim you as my knight," it declared in squeaky royal tones. "The Forest Kingdom of Pricklia recognizes your harem as a sovereign nation."

"...I have a hedgehog vassal now?"

[System Update: You are now a Duke in the Rodent Confederacy.]

"Oh come on—"

Suddenly, fan mail began arriving midair. Magical letters poofed into existence and thwacked him in the face like a papery slap of fate.

One noblewoman had written in cursive hearts: "You homewrecker 💖 Please ruin mine next."

Another note was a love poem written in blood and glitter.

"I think someone sent me a severed toe with a ring on it," Rei said, staring into a suspicious envelope.

Rosette leaned over, inspecting it calmly. "That’s a traditional proposal from the Eastern Swamp Brides. I intercepted the rest of her bouquet. It involved leeches."

"Why is that less surprising than it should be?!"

Eris snorted into her wine. "Ah, young love~"

A nearby bard stood and sang:

He kissed them with a sneeze, a twist of fate and knees,

Now kingdoms cry and nobles die for mop-cuddling decrees!

Rei threw a biscuit at the bard.

The bard caught it with his mouth and bowed. "Thank you, my muse."

Then came the legal department.

Three royal lawyers appeared in synchronized teleportation bursts, armed with clipboards and soul-devouring contract scrolls.

"We need you to sign here, here, and here—consent to the accidental engagements, disclaimers for broom closet use, and authorization for mop therapy."

"Mop therapy?"

[System Suggestion: Accept. The mop is the only one who truly understands you.]

And just when he thought he couldn’t sink any lower, Lilia walked past with a sign that read "Rei’s Wives Fan Club — President and Permanent Chairwoman."

The sign was followed by Drakana with a flamethrower labeled "BACKUP ARGUMENT."

Lucivella glided behind with a blackboard titled "Projected Bloodbath Timeline if Rei Marries Someone Else."

Rei tried to phase through the floor but didn’t work. So he ate a grape and It exploded again.

"Yep," he sighed. "That’s about right."

[System Sarcasm Mode: Welcome to your life.]

To be continued...