It's Just A Picture (BL)
Chapter 63: I wanted to be liked, loved, even

Chapter 63: I wanted to be liked, loved, even

I spent some time in the restroom, battling with my thoughts here and there, before returning to my office.

I opened my office door, only to find a lunchbox on my desk. I gave out a little smile with a little sigh as I muttered,

"Is it Seojin’s turn today?"

The lunchboxes were colored. The green lunchbox was sent from Seojin, and the grey lunchbox was sent from Seojun. They probably figured it would be easier for me to differentiate the sender through the color.

I looked at the lunchbox and my smile fell. Was it okay to do this? Accepting the lunchbox from them made me feel like I was acknowledging their feelings and I wasn’t. I just like free things.

And that even made me feel guilty. Like they were putting effort into their actions to get recognized by me, but I was taking it so lightly and accepting with no thoughts of giving them a chance.

It made me feel horrible. Yet, I could not refuse their kindness and consideration.

’Why would anyone like someone like me? I... I’m no good.’ I thought to myself while stuffing my face with the food from the lunchbox. I was sad but I still ate it.

My last lovers all said the same thing. They all looked down on me and regretted getting together with me because I was... What you call... A shell.

Pretty on the outside but empty on the inside.

I might look attractive or approachable on the outside, attracting admirers and all, even plain shells attracted attention, but once they took a look inside me, there was nothing to show forth. Nothing worth paying attention to. I was a hole with nothing to give.

’Ah, even as a hole, I couldn’t let them use me properly. What can a person get from me?’

Slowly tears rolled down from my eyes.

I wanted to be liked, loved, even. I really wanted to. But for the fear that I would only let the other person regret, swear, and cuss out at me because I was no good, I decided to bow my head and stop searching.

The twins... They would gain nothing from liking me. Couldn’t they just give up? It was better. That way, none of us would get hurt. I don’t know what they’re looking for but with a body like mine, they would definitely get disappointed and end up giving me ’those eyes’.

I shuddered, and the chopsticks fell off my grasp and landed on the floor.

Ah, those eyes. Those cold and disappointed eyes. If they ever looked at me like that... I covered my face, more tears rolling down... I don’t know what I would do if they ended up looking at me like that.

It would be the end of me.

All those years, I was able to keep living with the thought of their smiles and innocence in my mind. A single glance at their picture and I was able to get back on my feet.

If now, the smile that was plastered in my memory gets replaced with that of a disappointed and cold glare, I would break. I would definitely...

"I don’t want it." I muttered. "I don’t want them to hate me."

My thoughts kept getting cloudy from there. I couldn’t stop thinking of the fact that the twins would come to hate me once they got to ’know’ me and ’see’ me.

Being friends and acquaintances was fine; talking to one another and laughing was fine, too. Maybe I could indulge their lips once in a while, so they wouldn’t get tired of me but anything past that level was beyond me.

I wouldn’t be able to do it.

The rest of the day went by like a flash. Taiha took on the role of the lead photographer for the rest of the day while I focused on editing the pictures to perfection.

"That’s a good idea." Taiha said once I told him I would take over the editing for the day since my legs were feeling weak for some reason. "You have a gift for making edits so I’ll leave it to you." He said, after roughly patting my back like he usually did.

But I wasn’t very enthusiastic about it. I wanted to take the twin’s pictures. I wanted to be the one to capture their every movement on camera, but since my thoughts were all over the place, I decided to avoid seeing them face to face for a while.

I could still see them through the pictures I was editing. And even though they were just after images of the real deal, they had no impact compared to when standing in front of the twins.

I sighed.

It was for the best.

The shoot went straight into the night. The crew had to order snacks in order to keep going and I, who was cooped up in the office, was no exception.

I ate the snacks and focused on the edits.

And when it was a few minutes to midnight, the shoot finally rounded up.

"Great work, everybody." Taiha announced while clasping his hands. "Tomorrow, we’ll start at 8 am, so be sure to sleep as soon as you get home and get back here before 8. I don’t want anyone slacking behind. We have a tight schedule."

"Yes, director!" The crew responded.

"Gosh, we’ve never been this heavily busy before. I guess rising stars like these are one in a dozen." They whispered amongst themselves as they started clearing up the props and stage.

’Phew, it’s finally over.’ I thought, picking up my bag. I needed to leave before the twins caught up to me.

"Hyung." Too late.

Seojin approached me, still wearing the suit he wore for the last shoot.

"Seojin," I wore my smiling mask. "Great work today." I said. "Make sure to head home safely and rest well."

"But Hyung," he said, looking at me worriedly. "Are you okay? Your eyes..." He wanted to reach out to me when Yaeran called out to him.

"Oppa, we have to get you out of your costume and makeup." She said, causing Seojin to divert his attention from me. "If we don’t get it done now, the artists are going to stay back for one more minute and you know it’s late."

The way she spoke to him... It was way too familiar. Well, I guess Seojin was very nice to everyone so they all stopped using honorifics with him and decided to be ’friendly’.

Well, whatever. I needed to use that opportunity to escape.

"Ah, you seem to be busy. I’ll get going first. Great work once again." I smiled and walked away before he had the chance to stop me.

Yes, let’s do it like this. The less we interact with one another, the lesser the chances of us getting intimate.