Beastmen Love
Chapter 81: Self Forgiveness

Chapter 81: Self Forgiveness

Beau waits for her reaction, but she stayed there holding his hand and quiet listening.

"My mother wanted to go to the Starfish Farm to hunt for crabs, she was craving crabs, but she was mad at her males and asked me to go with her. She was disturbing me, saying I had to find a female, but I was focused on becoming a guardian." He cleans his face and looks to nowhere specific. "She was telling me that I should learn from my father on how to court a female and that I was too bold and cold. I asked her to stop talking about that, but she kept talking. Then I said that her males were probably right on fighting her for being so stubborn. She got angry and said that she just wanted to help and that a female came to her saying she was interested on me. I got mad and decided to leave. I left her alone and unprotected, and from nowhere a group of feral squids attacked her. I tried to fight them, but they could take her away. Being only 4 marked I took long to get to her and when I found her she was already dead."

So he feels guilty for his mother’s death because he left her unprotected.

"My father and my mother’s other mates blamed me as they died one by one with the backlash... All 20 of them." He softly says.

He cleans his face again, as the tears kept falling.

"If I didn’t leave her alone the ferals wouldn’t have come to get her. If I haven’t been so immature I wouldn’t have got mad and left her. Before dying, my father said I wasn’t his son anymore and didn’t let me help him with the backlash."

Astri sadly looks at him. She can’t imagine the pain of carrying the pain of losing his whole family and be blamed by that.

"I decided to get stronger but everyone sees me as a cold beastmen because I left my mother alone to be attacked and I survived. The Kings believed on me and had let me grow in patent, but I know that I don’t deserve any of this. They chose me to come get you, but I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve to be cared about. I don’t deserve anything." He cries and cries.

Astri can’t wrap her arm around that huge beastmen next to her, everything she can do now is keep patting his head. He looks at her smile, actually impressed that she’s smiling at him even after hearing his story.

"Did you want their death?" She asks.

"Of course not."

"Then it’s not your fault."

"But I left her alone."

"And they did that too." Her answer clicked something inside of him. "It’s no one’s fault. But if you use the same way of thinking. They’re guilty too because they fought with her and made her want to leave. But I’m sure they didn’t imagine a group of ferals would appear. They would have attacked either way, even if you were there. And you know that. You can’t say for sure that she would have survived if you were with her all the time. And they blamed you not because it’s true, but because they were only broken hearted. They were feeling pain and death in their hearts, it’s normal redirecting the pain we’re feeling to try make us feel better. They were also feeling guilty."

He sighs, feeling his tears forming again. But now he feels more relieved, like a big weight was removed from his heart.

"There’s nothing wrong with keep on living. No mother wants her child dead. Your mother was protective and wanted your happiness, I’m sure she wouldn’t want to know that her son became the strongest guardian but lives in a dark abyss waiting for death to take him somehow. Live, Beau. I know it hurts, but day by day simply live a little bit better and there will be a time that you will realize that you have a meaning again. Stop blaming yourself. Nature doesn’t blame you. You’re a good beastmen. Nature lives inside of all of us, so live happily. You will get even stronger with a happy heart." She says, passing her fingers on his hair.

He softly nods and cleans his face.

"I’ll beat your ass if you decide to lock yourself again."

He laughs and she punches his shoulder.

"And if you ignore me again I’ll make you do embarrassing things in front of everyone." She says.

"All right. I’m sorry." He chuckles.

She smiles again and stands up to go back to work. "Good!"

"Thank you. You’re very different from what I imagined." He says standing up too.

"Thank you. I guess."

"It’s good.. It’s a compliment."

She starts to work again and he watches her for some moments.

"Maybe you..should bathe so your males don’t get jealous with my scent on you." He blushes, now realizing that they were hugging and holding hands.

"They would be with your scent or not. Don’t worry." She answers.

She cares about her mates’ feelings but when they decide to get jealous there’s nothing she can do. She can only hope that they will be reasonable.

——

"Is Astri still working? I’ll help her." Zin says standing up.

"She asked for no one to go there." Claud speaks, reading a book.

"Why not?" Wayde asks.

All of them look at Claud with curiosity.

"She’s talking to Beau." Claud says.

"What? Did she accept him?" Lee asks shocked.

"Shut up, Lee. He has 20 marks and is strong." Cyprian speaks.

"They’re not talking about that." Claud affirms.

"And what they’re talking?" Zin asks.

Claud sighs. "I can’t tell details because it’s private for Beau. What I can tell is that he has some traumas that was making him sick. He trusted on Astri to try to get over his traumas. It’s really private and if you want to know details you ask him. I’m not saying anything else."

They know Claud is also jealous of Astri, so if he’s not jealous it’s because there’s nothing to worry about.

"Either way. Having him it’s not bad, even if it will make the line longer." Cyprian says.

"Stop that. I don’t want to share her with anyone else. The line is too big already." Lee speaks and sighs. "But I need to agree that he’s strong, even not shifting he’s strong and it would be a great add."

"Say that in front of Astri and she will be angry." Wayde says.

"She made Dieg sleep outside when he tried to convince her to become Lee’s spouse just for benefits." Claud chuckles.

"Really? So she didn’t like me from the beginning?" Lee asks impressed.

"No." Claud laughs.

"Hey! Don’t joke about that! It hurts."

"Astri was taught to never trust on anyone or accept any male. None of us she liked from the beginning like this. What matters is that we convinced her of our love and she loved us back."

Lee smiles more relieved.

"Still... I’m sure he will end up courting her. And there’s Tyr courting her too. I don’t want a big line." Zin softly says.

"It’s not up to you, my friend. But I understand. Her safety is more important than our own pleasure or happiness." Cyprian speaks.

"We know that. Let’s just stop talking about that and let things flow naturally. It’s her choice and not ours. If we keep talking we will end up fighting jealous and she will kick us out." Claud says.

——

Beau is feeling so light after his talk with Astri that everyone can notice that. His energy is lighter and they can even see a little smile on his face.

"What happened? You look different, captain." Ryan asks, while they remove fish guts to the dinner.

"Different how?" Beau asks.

"Light. You feel light.. Did you mate with the Goddess?!" Shan says and rushes to check Beau’s beast mark on his waist.

"What? No! We just talked." Beau kicks Shan away.

"You look.. Happy." Hawa says, always direct on point.

"Well.. I feel happy. Now let’s focus on finishing this for dinner."

"Feel happy... I’m sure he’s in love with the Goddess. Who wouldn’t? I am too. Her smile, her scent. Her hair. Even wearing winter clothes she’s beautiful." Shan day dreams.

"Stay quiet. Respect the Goddess." Feard speaks.

"I do respect her. I’m just saying that I want to court her, but we rarely have time next to her. Beau stayed with her all afternoon! This is not fair." Shan whines.

Beau feels closer to Astri indeed, and he can’t deny that he started to see her differently. However, he’s not sure about how she feels about him since he showed a big weak side of him and that affects the way a female sees a male in that world.

"Focus on our mission. Her safety is more important. So you better stay focused." Hawa says.

Hawa is right and Beau decides to stop thinking further about this matter.