Useless: Male Superhero in a Reverse World
Chapter 19

Secretary Snow pulled back her frizzy hair and fixed it with a tortoise shell headband, the hair flared near the back, making it look like the back of her head had exploded with gray hair.  She turned around and approached Dan, hand extended for a shake.

“Emboss, it’s nice to finally meet you in the flesh.  I just saw your work off the New England coast and I am very impressed.”  Her smile seemed genuine enough, but Dan could tell there were calculations going on in her mind.

He laughed and scratched his head in embarrassment. “All the credit belongs to Cygnus.  She planned the mission and led it, I did my best to support her.”  

“Be that as it may, your rise through the ranks deserves recognition.”  She went to her desk and got a clipboard flipping through the pages attached to it.

Dan put his hands on his hips.  “Rank, Ms. Secretary?  I don’t understand what you mean.”  

“Right, they may not have shown you.  The supe industry puts out a ranked list of all superheroes in the US every month.  They rank you all by power, crime fighting results, and q score.”

“Q score?”

“Your popularity.  How much face time you get on the news.  I think that’s what’s bumping you up the list, but your superpowers are solidly in the S-rank tier.”  She handed him the clipboard.

He looked over the list.  “No surprise that Sally is number one, Cygnus is in the top ten as well.  I’m amazed how much Boston punches above its height…  I’m number ten!?”

Snow raised her eyebrow.  “Your crime fighting score is the one thing that’s bringing you down, and that will come in the due course of time.”

Dan furrowed his brow. “There’s no way Red Berzerker is twelfth.  This list is grade-A baloney.”  His mind went to thinking about how he could support his new girlfriend and get her up the ranks.

She nodded. “It absolutely is.  Kind of like college rankings.  Even still, it’s good for you to know how well you’re being received by the public.”

“I guess.  It will at least make the job easier if people aren’t throwing tomatoes at you.”  He waited for a moment and then cut to the chase.  “Secretary Snow, I’m going to come clean with you.  I’d like to know about ‘project equality’.”

Snow pulled the glasses off her face and set them on her desk. “There are subjects that people want to know about, and then there are subjects that people want to forget about once they learn it.  Dan, I think you’re risking learning  something you’d later want to forget about.”

“A bunch of thugs in mechas destroyed several buildings at the Institute of Technology and injured two dozen people.  If we weren’t there, your information would be in the wrong hands, whatever it is.”

“And for that, the government thanks you.”  She sighed. “Project Equality started up under a different name all the way back at the founding of this nation.  Benjamina Franklin snuck it into the budget and it’s been there for hundreds of years.  It’s a project to bring about gender parity between the sexes.”

“Making men and women equal in population.”  Dan nodded.

“At first the project was purely based in bunk science, bloodletting and all that garbage.  Birth disparity was thought to be the product of an imbalance of humors.  But behind the scenes over the years, PE brought about advances in the study of evolution and genetics.”  She sat down and offered a seat to Dan to do the same.

“So Project Equality has been trying to use biology to solve the problem?”

“We had a breakthrough in the 50s concerning DNA and viruses.  The first computers that were built were put to work to understand the nature of the issue. After that work, our scientists best guess was that a virus entered the population in Scandinavia that drastically reduced the size of the Y-chromosome and brought about a weakness in sperm that carry it.  The problem isn’t conception, it's carrying the child to term.”

“I see, so centrifuges and test tube babies don’t help.”

“That’s right.”

“That doesn’t seem like it should be a secret.  I’m sure you would have taught this in schools by now.”  He pointed. “Why are people resorting to violence to get more information?”

“Now we come to the point where I disappoint you.” She swirled her chair around to look down at the Potomac river. “PE has advanced to such a point that revealing its secrets would be a national security issue.  I can neither confirm nor deny any techniques PE has attempted in the past.  Also, I cannot divulge any future plans.”

“Give it to me straight Snow.”  His voice was thick with tension. “Does Project Equality have anything to do with my journey to this world?”

Snow remained silent for a little too long. “Dan, before you go, I’d like for you to consider an offer.”

Dan contained his anger at being stonewalled. “What is Madam Secretary?”

“The science team at the Department of Gender confirmed the test results of your sperm.  Your counts are ten times higher than the average male.  Your Y-chromosome is the same size as our predicted model indicates, had the gender virus never appeared.  We’re certain you're resistant to the virus, and that it’s not related to your superpowers.”

“What are you getting at?”

“You’ve fathered ten children, including three healthy sons in the span of a few weeks Dan.  That’s a super power in itself.  We’ve gotten samples of your children’s DNA, through proper legal channels mind you, and found that your son’s show the same size of the Y-chromosome.  You may be interested in Project Equality, but the project is equally interested in you.”

“My nuts are not for sale Snow.”  Dan smirked. “And you couldn’t cut them off with a blowtorch.”

“Perish the thought.”  Snow laughed, making her head of frizzy hair vibrate. “All we ask is that you remain open to being … aggressively promiscuous.  Your previous job was a perfect fit.”

Dan looked down and shook his head.  “I’ve got enough girls on my plate thank you very much.  What happens in twenty years when my children start dating?”

“We’ll keep an eye on them.”  She pointed in the air to stop his worry. “If one meets another we’ll let them know.  Once we get to second cousins we won’t bother telling them, there’s no risk there.”

“I’m in a relationship with…several women.”  He grimaced. “Going back to work after agreeing to make something more meaningful feels like cheating.”

“Cheating, what’s cheating?”  Snow was obviously confused.

“Infidelity.”

“Oh right, that was in your dossier.  Some odd notion of loyalty to a monogamous partner.  Absolute horseshit.  A luxury our world cannot afford.”

“Well, you’re not the one dating supes.  I am.  I’d like to keep them happy.  I think I’m already on one’s shit list.”

Snow laughed.  “And why shouldn’t you be?  You’re shacking up with known criminals. Have you seen their rap sheet?”

“I don’t want to.  They’re reformed.”  He swept his hand in front of himself. “They’re not going to be villains any more, they’ll help the Blazers and redeem themselves.”

“And that’s why I’ve personally told law enforcement to turn a blind eye.”  She put her hands up. “That’s not some veiled threat.  You did good there boy, we won’t use them as leverage.”

“It’s good to know this administration isn’t composed of complete tools.”

“What?”

“Dicks.”

“Ha!  Can I use that insult?  It’s great.  Tool - ha!”  She got up again to shake his hand.

Dan took it and gave a grudging smile. “I know you’re doing your job, and you want what’s best for the country.  If you want me to help you in that way, talk to my girls and convince them all, not me.”

“Heh, that’s a fair deal.”  She gave him a look up and down. “It’s a shame I couldn’t have been in Boston on those few weeks you were working at Candycade.  I only have two daughters.  The busy life of a beltway bureaucrat doesn’t give me much time to court men.”

“You know I could always let the rule slide, if a certain bit of information landed in my lap.”  Dan raised his eyebrow, testing.

The middle aged woman narrowed her eyes. “That’s ruthless Dan.  Have you ever thought of going into politics?”

…

Dan walked out of the government office building and onto downtown Washington DC.  He could feel the eyes of the pedestrians stare at him.  He had debated on whether or not to bring a spare change of clothes and was now regretting the decision not to bring them.  He loved DC and wanted to see all the female versions of the monuments, like the  Tommi Jefferson and  Alexandra Lincoln memorials.  He noticed that a circle had formed around him and followed him as he walked down the street, like he was the nucleus of a giant cell.

Dan grimaced and was about to bolt to Boston when four supes descended from the sky in front of him.  These girls all wore red, white, and blue uniforms and seemed like a knock off version of the girls from American Gladiators.

The tallest of them spoke.  “Emboss, welcome to the great city of Washington DC.” She looked at the building he just exited.  “I hope Secretary Snow is doing well.”

Dan didn’t look at the news all too often so he was unfamiliar with the group.  His urge to put his foot in his mouth was great, but he resisted.  “It’s nice to meet you all.”  He looked around. “Did you want to take this to a more private place?”

…

The four supes lead Dan across the tidal basin to the Eleanor Roosevelt monument.  The statue was a massive rendition of the same woman in this world.  He really wished he spent more time reading this world’s history, he’d have to head to the library when he got back to Boston.  

“I’m really very sorry.  I’m Dan Gadsen, my supe name is Emboss.  It’s a pleasure to meet you.”  Dan offered his hand to shake and the four young women took it.  They seemed confident enough taking his hand.

“You sound like you aren’t familiar with us.”  The tall Auburn haired girl talked in a taunting manner.

“I’ve been cooped up in my own little world.”  He looked at each one of them. “I should have done my research before coming here.  I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry, Emboss.”  She laughed.  “I’m Ranger Kyla,  these are my colleagues, Spell Mistress, Queen Kona, and Silencia.  Together we’re the Foggy Bottom Fighters.”

“It’s an honor to meet you all.”  He nodded in respect.

“The honor is all ours.”  Silencia purred.  She wore a red, white, and blue uniform that was very dark, suggesting that her powers lay in stealth and infiltration.  “What brings you to DC?”

“Well, I was invited to talk with Secretary Snow.  Top secret crap.”

Kyla nodded. “It almost always is in this town.”

“Heh, well after the meeting, I was planning on seeing the sights around DC, but I forgot to bring a change of clothes.  I might go back home and get a change.”  He took a few steps back to bolt.

“Leaving so soon?  We could take you to a men’s store and get you some new duds.”  Kyla tried to sound perky. “I’ll even get you a pair of sunglasses.  How does that sound?  The girls and I will take you around and show you everything DC has to offer.”

“Thank you, that's mighty kind of you, but I simply couldn’t.”  He put his hands up in protest. This would not look good without one of the Blazers here as a chaperone.  “How about I take a rain check?  I can bring Sally Comet.”

Kyla grabbed his wrist. “Don’t be a limp dick Dan.  We’re only doing some tourist shit.  It’ll be fun. Let’s go.!”  He figured she had strength in the same ballpark as himself. Dan wasn’t about to fight her, he didn’t want to make enemies.  He thought he remembered her being in the top three on the supe list, just below Sally Comet.  She flew into the air and Dan got a full unhindered look at her body.  Kyla looked like she was between the more petite Sally and the full figured Cygnus.  She wore her auburn hair in a headband.  He’d have to look up her powers when he got back to Blazer HQ.

…

The Fighters decked Dan out in an outfit reminiscent of Miami Vice, they even splurged and bought him a pair of Ray-Bans.  He had to admit, the outfit did complement his physique.  After the shopping trip they changed in the dressing room and walked out of the back door to get some anonymity.  The five of them spent the afternoon at the National Mall.  Dan even got to see inside the Capitol Building.  He was tickled pink at the alternate painting of the rotunda, showing all the female figures in this world's history.

They grabbed a bite to eat from one of the food trucks that littered the streets and walked to the Mall and had an impromptu picnic.

“So what are the Blazer’s plans for this coming week Dan.”  He noticed that Kyla was calling him by his real familiar name all the time.

“We’re getting ready for Hurricane Abigail.”  He took a bite of his burrito. “They say it’s going to head right up Narragansett Bay.  Providence might get screwed.”

Queen Kona elbowed him. “If the Blazer’s need any help from DC, just give us a call.  We help out in Florida all the time.”  

Dan smiled and nodded. “I’ll be sure to let them know.  Thanks!”

After a few more minutes of shop talk, Kyla asked an awkward question.  “Dan, we heard from a reputable source that you like to party.”  She blushed and scooted a little closer. “Is that true?”

“Who told you that?”  Dan raised his eyebrow.

“Umm. Spell Mistress.”  She pointed to the girl who had a full face mask, revealing only her eyes.  

Her voice was muffled behind the mask.  “Yeah, heh, I happened to visit Cloud Nine on my way home to visit my parents in Maine.  I heard about a new talent so I splurged on the platinum package.”  Her eyes drifted down to his crotch.

“Oh right! The appointment read ‘SMistress’, now I remember. You didn’t say much did you.”  He gave a knowing grin and their eyes locked for a moment.  He shook his head as if to break out of a spell. “But that’s not my line of work anymore,  I’m a full time supe.”

Kyla traced her fingers up and down his arm. “We know, but are you still open to new experiences?”  She smiled.

The old Dan inside of him was seriously tempted, but the new Dan who wanted to be a good member of the Blazer’s won out.  “Sorry girls, I don’t play those games anymore.  You’re all knockouts, don’t get me wrong.  It’s just that my cro magnon brain can’t handle too many girls at the same time. I want to make the relationships I already have work out.”  He laughed nervously, they all looked a bit frustrated before their eyes opened wide.

He heard a thud behind him and a hand on the back of his neck.  He was pulled up into the air and over to a building’s rooftop.  He had a sneaking suspicion about who was dragging him away.

…

Dan and Sally stood on a rooftop facing each other.  Sally was fuming.

“What’s the problem, goblin?”  Dan smiled nervously.

She stared at him with angry eyes.

All Dan could do was shrug.

“Dan, you are an asshole!  You force my hand to bring in two criminals into my headquarters.  You then proceed to turn them into your personal servants.”  She did air quotes around the word ‘servants’. “Then you buy me goddamn flowers? Talk about mixed signals.”

She took a deep breath and continued. “And then you proceed to cook a romantic meal for a girl who you asked me to protect you from.  And now that you’ve gone down the Blazers’ roster, you’re looking for more tail in another supe group?!  What the fuck Danny?”

He tilted his head in suspicion “Were you spying on me Sally?” 

Sally looked away and said nothing.

Dan knew he was in a no-win argument. “Sally.  I wasn’t looking to date the Foggy Bottom Fighters,  they practically dragged me with them.  Do you want me to offend every superheroine who wants to talk with me?”

She whipped her head back to stare at him. “Yes!”  Her eyes glowed red, her voice sounded unearthly.

He pointed to her. “You want me for yourself.  That’s it, isn’t it?”  He dropped his head and facepalmed. “Even I know that can’t happen.  When we started dating, I told you that you had the chance of finding a much better man than me.”

“You don’t think I tried?” She cried, the tears turning to steam next to her glowing eyes. “You were gone for such a long time.  I tried speed dating, I tried professional matchmakers.  Dan, I even went back to Cloud Nine.”

Dan felt his stomach flip flop but accepted the situation he had himself agreed to.

“They were all terrified of me Dan.  I was so desperate they threw me out!  You turned me into this.”  She went to slap him but he caught her hand in mid stroke, his feed implanted into the roof of the building, leaving a one inch deep footprint.

He pulled her in and she resisted, but only slightly. Sally’s eyes lost their glow, and her head twisted away until he grabbed her hair and gave her a hard kiss.  Her anger melted into naked desperation.  Her hands gripped his arms and the couple french kissed while she moaned in frustration.  He had come to the realization that Sally was now his full responsibility.  He wanted so much better for her, but that wasn’t possible anymore.

He came up for air. “I promise I’ll be faithful to the Blazers, including Donad, Deleria, and Obsidian.  If you want me to blow off other girls I will.  In return you need to be faithful to me from now on.  No more dates with anyone, got it?  If we can agree to that, then I’ll always be with you.”

“Oh Dan.  I want you all for myself.”  She squeezed him tight. “I’m one of seven now aren’t I?”  She looked up to him.  “I promise to be only with you Dan, there’s no one else for me.”

…

“Well girls, we blew it.”  Ranger Kyla looked on with her super vision and hearing as Dan and Sally lifted off to head north, back to Boston. She looked at Spell Mistress. “I knew I should have gone to Boston for a weekend after you told me about him.  Nothing for us but roid boys for the foreseeable future.”