There's No Love In the Deathzone (BL)
Chapter 187 - 181. The Edge of a Cliff

Chapter 187: Chapter 181. The Edge of a Cliff

There were so many nights when Bassena imagined intimate moments with Zein. A lot of time spent picturing the moments when he would, finally, had the permission to embrace the guide in the best and truest sense.

None of them involved the use of alcohol and palpable depression.

So, even when the love of his life was all over him, gripping his hair and grabbing his lapel for another kiss while their bodies were sticking to each other, he took a deep breath and pulled away.

"What are you doing, Zein?" he grabbed the guide’s shoulder and pushed the man back as gently as he could.

But the devil worked harder.

"What’s wrong?" Zein tilted his head, face slightly flushed but otherwise looked like he was sober, which made it harder for Bassena to stave the temptation away. Especially when Zein leaned his face closer, lips hovering above the esper’s ears, and whispered in a sultry voice. "Isn’t this what you always want?"

It is--Bassena gritted his teeth as he felt Zein grind on him, a slightly cold hand slid over his neck. By God--he didn’t think it was seductive, but feeling Zein all over him was...

No--not like this.

"Let’s not do this," Bassena sighed, tilting his head away from the sultry gaze. "You’re drunk."

And for that, Zein just chuckled--giggled. He looked up and made a disappointed face, fingers trailing down to the solid, trained chest as he let out a long sigh. "I’m offering myself to you now, so why are you being hesitant, huh?"

Bassena clenched his jaw and grabbed the sliding hand, preventing those fingers to travel further. He was steeling his heart, truly, but Gods! Bassena closed his eyes tightly and Zein chuckled in response, pressing his body more, and leaned into the bronze skin, planting his lips upon the strongly pulsing vein.

"Or do you actually prefer it if I’m...acting cold? Maybe you want me to be more coy? Hmm?"

Bassena frowned and again, grabbed the guide’s upper arms and pulled him away. He looked at Zein with confusion. He got that the guide was drunk and messed up, but...

"What are you even--"

"Haa...don’t play high now, Bas."

Zein grabbed the sharp jaw in front of him, the sultry look turned into irritation. The seductive, teasing voice dipped low and spiky. "I told you to fuck me, didn’t I?" there was almost a growl there, as the blue eyes glared fiercely. "Just do it, like how you always wa--mmph!"

Bassena, who had been trying to handle this as gently as possible, grasped the guide’s mouth to stop the blabbering nonsense. "Stop this!" the amber eyes shook slightly, and Zein stared into them in surprise. "You...are you saying all I want is your body? That I only want to get into your pants?"

Zein stared at the amber eyes blankly, and watched them morph from shock to anger.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Bassena raised his voice despite himself. He let go of the guide and walked away, massaging his temple while pacing back and forth behind the bar’s counter, trying to keep his emotions in check.

And failed at it.

"I’ve been baring my feelings for you! I’ve thought of nothing and no one but you for the past five years! I’ve been--" he stopped, groaning into his palm.

He couldn’t do this anymore. He knew Zein wasn’t in his right mind and those words probably came from a very bad place, but...

Bassena had been struggling himself. Struggling with how everything seemed to reset, with how Zein seemed to avoid him, with how Zein receding into his past self more and more each day. He’d been grasping into that stubborn arm, but Zein seemed to be keen on jumping into the void.

He’d been holding on to this courtship with his feelings alone. He told himself time and time again, that he wouldn’t give up. That he would wait, just like how Zein asked him to.

But didn’t he at least deserve some semblance of respect for his effort? For his feelings? It wasn’t there to be trampled like this. He didn’t harbor this feeling for years just for it to be labeled as a mere product of carnal desire.

"Fuck!" he leaned into the counter and gripped the marble top. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"What’s wrong with me?" behind him, Zein responded with a dry, apathetic voice that send shivers of anxiety to the esper. "What do you mean what’s wrong with me?" the voice started with a chuckle, before descending into a loud howl. "Everything is wrong with me!"

Bassena turned around, eyes widened in shock. He looked at Zein, whose eyes had turned red, brows furrowed deep, and lips form a vicious snarl. The man was seething, but that anger wasn’t directed at Bassena.

Just like in the last dungeon, Zein was angry at himself, more than anything.

While he was still frozen in shock, Zein had already arrived in front of him again, asking with a sneer on his face. "You want my heart? You want my feelings? Why?" the guide narrowed his eyes; eyes that were filled with anguish, and gripped the esper’s collar. "Why? You don’t even know if I’ll still be here tomorrow."

Bassena felt his heart drop to his stomach. "What--"

"Who knows if..." Zein laughed, suddenly, and his body swayed. Suddenly, that fierceness in his eyes and voice shifted, weakened. "Who knows if that...damn God descent tomorrow and...e-erase me," he finished his words with a bitter laugh that ended up in a slight hiccup.

"Zein--ugh!"

The alcohol seemed to finally enter his system, because Zein swayed even more and stumbled backward, bringing Bassena--whose collars were still in his grip, and had tried to catch him--toppled with him to the shelf, and slid heavily to the floor.

There, back against the hard wooden shelf, Zein stared blankly into the air. He laughed abruptly, bitterly, mumbling his name. "Zein...Luzein..." he blinked slowly as if his mind was getting further and further away.

"Hey," Bassena, whose anger and frustration had evaporated completely, touched the flushed cheek gently.

"Who...who exactly am I?" Zein chuckled again, closing his eyes as he leaned his head against the shelf. "I just...I’m just a bringer of misfortune..."

"That’s not true--"

"Yes!" the blue eyes flew open, glaring at Bassena. Again, with the loathing that was directed at himself. Zein raised his slumped body, pressing his knees into the floor as Bassena shifted back in surprise. "My mother! My father! They wouldn’t have to die if it weren’t for me! They wouldn’t have to die if she didn’t have to give birth to me!"

Zein gripped his chest--his necklace, and opened his mouth again before Bassena could say anything.

"And...and the twins...it’s my fault isn’t it?" he looked at Bassena, with eyes hard and heavy with guilt. "Y-you...you convince me it wasn’t but...I couldn’t even be there...when it happened..."

"I said it’s not because it’s not," Bassena said softly, cautiously reaching his hand toward the trembling cheeks. They were cold, like glass. And vulnerable all the same.

Bassena had never seen Zein looking this weak and lost. Like he was dangling with one hand at the edge of a cliff and was getting too tired to hang on, contemplating whether it would be better to just drop into the void.

And then, before Bassena could say anything more, he felt Zein’s cold hand touching his cheek, and the vulnerable eyes crumbled even more.

"And you..." Zein whispered, weakly, with a sound that was so close to a cry. "You wouldn’t have to suffer so much...if it wasn’t for me..."

Bassena widened his eyes in disbelief. What kind of conclusion was this? "I’m not suffering!"

"But you are! I’ve played enough with your heart!" Zein yelled through his teeth, before dropping his head on Bassena’s shoulder. His hands were on the esper’s clothes again, gripping so tightly as if he wanted to rip them off. "And you will...and you will..."

Bassena was trying really hard to understand what Zein was on about, since the guide also started to slur and mumble, not to mention all the anger and frustration that had been bubbling to the surface.

But when Zein spoke again, Bassena finally understood.

"When I...when I disappear...you will--" Zein didn’t finish the words, but they both already knew how Bassena might be if he was to lose Zein. Raising his head again, the guide stared at Bassena with shaken eyes, and a voice as soft as a breeze. "So...so isn’t it better if I just...if I just disappear now?"

"What..." Bassena parted his lips, but nothing could come out. His heart was clenching so hard he felt like he might stop breathing.

And then, suddenly, the blue eyes looked at him sharply. "Why...why did you stop me?"

"What are you..."

"In the last dungeon,"

Bassena widened his eyes; this time, he was sure his heart stopped beating.

"Why don’t you just let me di--"

Swiftly, Bassena clasped his hand over Zein’s mouth, stopping the word to form fully. The amber eyes widened, shaken, filled with raw horror.

"Don’t...please don’t..." Bassena shook his head. "Don’t say it," he pulled his hand away, it was trembling. "Don’t think about it--please, Zein...just...please..."

With that trembling hands, he grasped the guide in his arms, tightly, just like that day in the dungeon.

"Why?" Zein asked. "You just...you just want me here because of your feelings," even while he said that, they both knew the words were filled with lies and self-denial. "Isn’t that...isn’t that rather...self..." Gods, he couldn’t even speak clearly anymore. "...selfish...of you..."

"It’s fine," Bassena shook his head. "It’s okay if you think that I’m selfish. If you can do it for me, then do it for me, yeah?" he grasped the guide’s back tighter; his voice was the shadow of the desperation and the despair that he felt inside that dungeon. "Just...God, please Zein--"

"But I can’t! That’s the problem!" Zein pulled himself away. "I don’t even know if I’ll be here next year! Next month! Next day!" he yelled, screamed, guts churning and bile raising. "I don’t want to lose myself to some deity! I don’t--I’d rather...I’d rather just die when I’m still me!"

"Zein!"

He was tired. He wanted to let go of the cliff and just drop into the void. But he also didn’t want to give up, and everything was a mess inside his head. And his stomach. And he choked on them as they tried to climb his throat.

With a hand over his mouth, Zein stood up, stumbling and wobbling into the bathroom.

And just poured everything into the swirling water.