There's No Love In the Deathzone (BL)
Chapter 118 - 114. Restraint and Reward

Chapter 118: Chapter 114. Restraint and Reward

The sailing around the lake felt too short, but they had to come back when the sun was setting.

Looking outside the glass wall of his hotel bedroom toward the dark lake later that night, Zein wondered if it was possible to sail in Althrea’s river and moat. He reckoned it was wide enough, although Zein had no clue about the depth.

"You’re not getting bored of it, huh?" Bassena chuckled at the guide, who was standing before the wall with a drink in his hand, enjoying his moment before sleep.

"Why would I be?" Zein replied easily, only glancing at the esper through the reflection on the glass.

It took him twenty-seven years to see his first clean, fresh river and lake that could be drunk directly without the need for many filtering machines to get rid of the miasma infused in the water. Zein didn’t think he would get bored of staring at them anytime soon.

No, he was sure he would never get bored of the scenery even if he had a house overlooking a sea someday.

"Hmm...you said once that my core looks like a sea, right?" Bassena sat on the edge of the bed, tilting his head in reminiscence. "Is your visualization all related to water?"

"Yeah," Zein nodded in reply. "I don’t know why though,"

He had a thought that it happened because people constantly said his eyes looked like a sea, making him want to see it, and manifest the visualization. But perhaps it was a normal thing, since coming across a good source of water was the dream of everyone living in the endzones.

"So you see different types of water in every person?" Bassena raised his brow.

"Yep,"

"Seas, lakes, rivers, ponds?" Bassena rubbed his chin while making a list. "Fish tank? Bathtub?"

Zein laughed at that, and finally turned around to look at the esper properly. The man was lounging casually on the bed, leaning back on his arm and bringing a scent of fresh expensive body wash.

"Haven’t seen the last two," the guide put his drink on the table there, before leaning on the glass wall and crossing his arms. "But there’s a puddle."

"...a puddle."

"Yeah,"

"Like the one forming on the ground after rain?" Bassena pressed his lips to stifle a laugh. No--he shouldn’t laugh at other’s core size, but...

"Uh-huh," Zein smirked for a second, before his mind recalled the shape he witnessed during his early days as a guide.

Ironically--or perhaps not--since he was working for a rogue guild with good-for-nothing espers, the visual he received as he guided them was just as muddled and dirty as the water source in the red-zone itself. There was nothing nice about cleansing those people, and he felt like the world just mocked his desire to see nice bodies of water.

"I saw a lot of muddy, dirty things in people’s core. River drenched in blood, disgusting bog...a cesspool really," Zein chuckled bitterly at the memory. Perhaps that was why he had grown so numb over the years. Sometimes he’d just guide good mercenaries for free so that his mind wouldn’t go crazy with all the mentally disturbing visuals.

Bassena, who’d grow silent at Zein’s words, opened his mouth carefully. "What about mine?"

"You?" Zein shifted his gaze from the ceiling to the esper, who looked at him with worry and anxiety written on his face. Zein wondered where the confidence this man usually had was. "Yours doesn’t feel dirty," Zein said with a subtle smile. "It’s just big and dark."

But the water itself felt clean, almost pure. And warm. It was nothing but comfortable for Zein. It did feel a little bit lonely, but loneliness was a usual thing for Zein, so it didn’t bother him. More than anything, it felt calm there, as if he was drifting inside an infinite world, where no one would be able to disturb him.

"Perhaps you just haven’t found it...the dirty part," Bassena replied quietly, frowning slightly while staring at the floor.

"Well, it’s vast and deep after all," Zein observed the esper, who seemed unusually restless. "Do you feel dirty?"

"Sometimes," Bassena laughed in self-depreciation, looking up toward the guide with a wry smile. "I’m quite afraid you’ll find out about it."

Watching this rare display of insecurity, Zein left the glass window and walked toward the esper. "Tell me then, so I don’t have to find out about it in an uncomfortable way."

"Is there any way to make it not uncomfortable?"

"Named one thing then," Zein shrugged. "You can start with one."

"Like a confessional?"

"Whatever you call it," the guide stopped just a few steps from the bed, looking keenly at Bassena. "Tell me something you rather have me hear from you than from someone else."

Bassena looked up, almost seemed like he stopped breathing for a moment. A rare case of fear flashed on his face--for what could scare him the most other than having his existence getting smeared by dirty ink in Zein’s mind?

"I..." he started to open his mouth, but find it difficult to continue. It was normal, to want to appear good, as the best version of yourself in front of someone you court. But there was always an underlying fear of your beloved finding your bad side and feeling disappointed.

Especially when Bassena knew their relationship was rocky and ambiguous. While there was no question about his feeling, he still couldn’t read what Zein wanted. The guide could just wake up one day and decided he was sick of indulging Bassena, and then blissful moments like this would end.

And what if Zein found something he didn’t like about Bassena? The dark emotions he’d been suppressing, all the inappropriate desire?

Today, Basena had been blasted by those emotions and desires, so much that he almost couldn’t suppress them.

Swallowing dryly, Bassena started to pour it out. "Every time I see you being looked at by others...there’s a part of me that just want to lock you up so no one could see you but me..."

Even though it was him that planned the whole trip to the Capital, Bassena was filled with regret all the time they were inside the studio. At all those eyes filled with curiosity. All the whispers talking about Zein, their desire to see his face. How many times had he clenched his fist in suppressed fury? He kept looking at the guide just to make sure he was there, blue eyes on him and no one else.

How many times had Radia warned him that Zein wasn’t his property?

"Hmm..."

When Zein made no other response aside from that cold humming, Bassena was filled with dread. He couldn’t even bring himself to look up at the guide’s face. He was scared of the expression that pretty face might make.

"Sorry...I’m just..." he gripped his wrist, which started to tremble, as he spat out an apology. "Ah, fuck--I shouldn’t even say that kind of thing to you--" realizing that his words might be interpreted in the wrong way, Bassena quickly added, "No, I know it’s wrong of me to think that. You are your own person, you’re not mine or anyone else’s for that matter. Thinking that only I should have you is wrong, I know!"

Even his voice started to tremble. Bassena felt so scared and pathetic right now. He had no idea if all the nerves about going to the tower’s trial again tomorrow got into him, but he couldn’t find the eloquence to convey his heart properly.

"I’m trying...not to think like that and..." it even started to sound like an excuse, when he was supposed to make a confession. Groaning into his palm, Bassena sighed before chuckling bitterly at his foolishness.

"Gods--I just...failed so bad, huh--" Bassena froze when he felt a hand on his head, and a thumb stroking his slightly sweaty temple. Slowly, he looked up to find Zein standing close in front of him, caressing his throbbing head.

Dazedly, dumbfoundedly, Bassena let out a stupid sound. "Huh?"

"Good job," contrary to what Bassena thought, there was a smile on the guide’s face, as he continued to stroke the platinum hair. "For restraining yourself. For knowing that you’re wrong for having that kind of thought."

Bassena felt like he was a trembling leaf amid harsh wind, holding on with only a thin stalk as the gentle caress turned into a tight grip. "But I’ll let you know that if you ever do that to me, I’ll smash your head to the wall again until you come to your senses," the blue eyes gleamed sharply. "Understood?"

"Yes, Sir..." Bassena blinked and replied with a firm nod, eyes never leaving the deep sapphires. They turned softer then, and the lips that spoke in a low, harsh tone earlier stretched into a smile. When he was still dazed, the gripping hand traveled down and rubbed his lips. "Ah, wait!"

Zein, who was about to lean down and kissed the esper, paused in surprise. "Hmm? Don’t you want your reward?"

Bassena bit his lower lip nervously, and leaned back, speaking carefully. "I was...thinking of something else,"

"Yeah?" Zein tilted his head, retreating his hand from the esper’s face. It was intriguing enough that Bassena refused a kiss, and this face that the younger man was making--nervous, a bit of flustered frown, and a tinge of blush--had Zein felt his heart tickled for a bit. "What is it?"

"Can I...sleep with you tonight?" Bassena asked cautiously, and added swiftly before Zein could even raise his brow. "No, I mean really sleep, just sleep, nothing else!" he was quite frantic while at it, moving his hand in explanation. "I won’t even touch you, just..."

He paused then, and with a sigh, plopped down on the bed, covering his face with his hands again, groaning. "It’s just that...I won’t be seeing you for a long time after tomorrow, so..."

"Sure,"

Bassena blinked and lifted his hand for a bit, staring at the guide in disbelief. "Really?"

"Yeah,"

"Truly?"

"Mm,"

Pausing to digest the confirmation, Bassena opened his mouth after a full minute of silence. "Alright! No takes back, okay? I mean...don’t suddenly kick me out in the middle of--"

The words Bassena wanted to say disappeared between Zein’s lips. A firm, but gentle touch graced his cheek, as fingers held tight into the wrist above his head. He was too stunned to react properly, only dumbly letting the older man kiss him.

With a slight smile, Zein rubbed the esper’s chin with his thumb, and tugged down to part the stunned pair of lips. Bassena complied instinctively, and finally started to get in motion after he felt the warm tongue invading his mouth.

But aside from kissing back, Bassena dare not to move his limbs, in a worry that it might be no more than a dream created by his desire. Or if it was real--that Zein was practically on top of him, holding his wrist to the mattress, and kissing him first--he worried the moment might end too soon simply by him losing control.

So he just lay there, being stroked in his cheek and jaw and wrist, a pair of thighs straddling his hips, and sweet lips dancing in slow, delicious motion as he tried to reign his overflowing desire for this man.

The kiss felt so short, but the trembling of his heart felt so long. And when they parted, Zein was looking at him with warm eyes and a playful smile.

"What..."

"A bonus," the guide’s melodious voice rang in his ears, and then his heart. "For being cute."