The Accidental Necromancer
Uber

The city of Tartarus had transformed itself. From a somber, spooky place, with dark spires and deep shadows, it had turned into cheerful, spooky place, with dark spires and deep shadows.

I had one more thing to do before we left. Like any town, it had a marketplace, and the merchants were doing a rousing business. I watched, at first, to get an idea what the demons would like before pitching my wares.

Everyone was talking about the woman who cucked the Archfiend, and her fashion sense, and people pointed everywhere I went. The women looked at me lustfully, and then men tended to grab their arms and steer them away. I guess, outside of the rituals, the demons weren’t that into other people stealing their wives, which was good because I had no interest in doing so.

I noticed that several shapeshifter demons had transformed themselves into women who looked a bit like me – complete with the black makeup. That was good, in a way, because it cut down on the pointing, as people started to assume I was just another Abby wannabe.

The challenge was to find merchandise to sell them that was evil enough to appeal, and yet basically harmless. If only they had the internet, I could have gotten them hooked on gacha games.

I walked up to a merchant who seemed to be experiencing a lull.

“Hi,” I said. “I’m Abby.”

“Sure you are. I’m Phelobahometlysol.”

I rolled my eyes at the name but got on with it. I didn’t want to spend any more time in Tartarus than I had to. I offered him my hand, and he shook it, and then got the most startled look on his face as he jerked away.

I grinned. “It’s called a joy buzzer. Just put this little baby in your palm, shake hands, and whammo!”

Haha! Now you’re cooking. I bet with a bit more power, you could turn that into a handshake of death!

It didn’t deliver a shock, it just vibrated and spooked people. Phelo seemed amused. “Wow, that’s amazing.”

I grinned and told myself that just because Enash liked something didn’t necessarily mean it was wrong. “Yes. And I have an exclusive supply.”

“How do they work?”

“That’s a secret. Can you sell them?”

“Can I? And how!”

I grinned. “Great. How much will you buy them for? I think we can both make a profit on this.”

We haggled for a bit. I thought of using Charm Person, but I needed him to pay a value he was willing to live with long term. By the time I left, I had orders for whoopie cushions, candy that had a super-sour center, and vibrators, and I’d sold him the stock I had. The last I sold to him by pointing out they could be used to bring someone right to the edge of orgasm, and pulled away at the last second. Different cultures liked different things, but I’d yet to find one that didn’t appreciate a “Magic Wand.”

“You’ve got interesting wares,” he said. “Even if you aren’t the real Abby.”

“It was a pleasure doing business with you,” I said.

I was just turning to go, when someone yelled out, “It’s the Uber Archfiend!”

I looked, and there was a little four foot shrimp of a demon – red wizened skin, tail, horn, pointy ears, pointing at me. And everyone turned to stare.

“Abby, the Uber Archfiend?” someone asked.

“Yes!” said the imp. “That’s her. That’s not just someone shapeshifted!”

People gaped. A few came over to Phelo’s stall. “You know her?” they asked.

“Oh, yes, we’re business partners,” Phelo said proudly. “We go way back.”

Others came up to me. A pretty succubi asked me point blank: “Would you like to fuck me? My husband’s only a Knight, but I’m sure with the notoriety he’d get from being cuckolded by the Uber Archfiend, he’d move up quickly enough.”

“Um, no, thank you?”

An eight foot tall guy with muscles on top of muscles asked, “What are you doing here, Uber Archfiend? Is there any way I can help?”

“I’m just setting up some business deals.”

“Business? Isn’t that beneath an Uber Archfiend?”

“No,” I said.

Tell him about capitalism! Demons will love the whole notion that you all have managed to turn greed into a civic virtue. I especially love the part where you’re convinced that people will pay less if everyone charges as much as they can possibly get away with.

A chant started going in the crowd, drowning out our discussion. Two chants, actually. One group was yelling, “Abby! Abby! Abby!”. The other was yelling, “Uber! Uber! Uber!” The groups started trying to outshout each other.

“What’s your name?” I asked the big guy. “Or, better, what are the first two syllables of your name?” I’d learned my lesson about demons. It wasn’t that their true names could be used to control them, it was just that nobody could remember them.

He had to think. “Behel.”

“Great. What would really help, Behel, is if you just helped me get away from this crowd.” The crowd was too thick for me to just Dimension Step past it. I pulled a tube out of my bag of holding. “This may not seem like much to you, but if you don’t like it, you can trade it to the elves for a lot.” Girl with a Pearl Earring. A classic. They’d love it.

He grinned. “Ha! I can do that!”

“Let me try to calm them down first.” I got up on a platform. “There’s no need to argue about what to call me!” I said. “Or even chant at all. But for goodness, er, evilness sakes, don’t argue about it.”

“We should compromise!” one of them yelled out. “Compromises are equally bad for both parties!”

“Sure,” I said.

“Ubey!” yelled someone.

“Abber!” yelled another.

Yay, compromise. Now there were four factions instead of two, but the volume hadn’t gone down a bit.

“Genuine Uber Archfiend trinkets, right here,” yelled Phelo, trying to be heard above the din. “Shock your friends by owning a genuine Uber Archfiend artifact!”

“Which way do you wanna go?” Behel asked me.

I pointed.

“Great. Stay close behind, Uber Archfiend Abby.”

He charged into the crowd, waving the cardboard poster tube. I stayed right with him. Smaller demons, like imps and succubi, hurried to get out of his path. He pushed right through the slime demons, leaving them to ooze to the sides.

“Okay,” I said. “I’m going to run for it. Thanks!”

Dimension Step. And again. Then I started running. I decided that my full demon name could be Uberabberubeyabby, and that way everyone could be right.

Once I started running, I wished I’d worn a bra. I understood they were about to be all the rage in Avonia. I got home, and was happy to find that everyone was ready to leave.

Originally, I had been afraid Lysandra would be recognized as we headed for the gates, and we had a sort of solution, where Lesseth would wrap herself around Lysanda’s body  like a Zentai suit, leaving just barely a gap around the mouth for her to breathe. That way, the elf looked basically like a slime demon. We were still going to do that, but now I was more worried that I’d be spotted. The wannabes would help, but not if we ran into another imp like the one who outed me.

To fit in, Gren and Valeria had to be collared and leashed. I wiped the black makeup off my face and replaced it with a shade of pink that I’d gotten for Valeria. Once that was done Lesseth/Lysandra and I looked like any two young demon women, taking their slaves out for a walk. We got some stares.

A kid demon said, “Look mommy, there’s another Uber Abby look alike.”

“She’s got the lipstick all wrong,” Mom said. She had her hands full with all her kids, but fortunately she had four hands.

 People were too busy celebrating to bother us much, although we did have to fend off several advances from gangs of single male demons who seemed to wander about the streets.

“What’s up with those guys?” I asked Lesseth, after I made one of them take no for an answer by slapping him, hard.

“They’re part of small communities of students that go to Tartarus University,” she explained. “The communities have rituals of hazing and so forth, and there’s a lot of peer pressure. All the men of noble families try to get in them. There are female equivalents, too.”

“So, frat bros, basically.”

“It wouldn’t be Tartarus without them,” Lesseth said.

I wondered if the rituals of the University were part of what prepared the Princes of the future for the whole cucking thing. But I’m sure someone would say I was just biased because I lived in the dorms.

We managed to get out the gates, and once we were at the top of the canyon again, we could ride our bikes out. This time, Lysandra was behind me, and Lesseth went back in the bag.

“Whee!” Lysandra yelled.

“That’s because you’re not doing the pedaling,” I replied. The batteries wouldn’t last if we didn’t do most of the work.

She grinned, and slid her hands up, groping my breasts. “How can I help, Abby?”

I groaned, but I didn’t tell her to move her hands.

We pushed it as late as we could, but once the sun was all the way down, we headed off road and found a place to set up camp.

Lysandra was amazed by everything, from the bicycles, to the pop-up tent, to the little induction hot plate we used to heat up the freeze-dried rice and beans dish from REI.

I told Lesseth what had happened in the market square, and she laughed. “Abber?”

I shrugged.

“Ubey?”

“Y’know, it was kind of fun being on a leash like that,” Valeria said.

Normally, I would have been concerned, but in the circumstances, I was glad for the interruption. “Really? I don’t think it’s super safe. What if you tripped or something, or I did? A sudden pull on your neck could be catastrophic.”

Valeria sighed. “You’re so practical, Abby.” She paused. “Did you enjoy having me on a leash, in spite of that?”

Out of the frying pan and into the fire. I turned to Lesseth. “Uberabberubeyabby. I think I can remember it, and the demons obviously seemed to think my name was way too short.”

Lesseth nodded. “Only slime demons keep their names to a few syllables,” she said. “My real name is Lessethandra, of course.”

“Really?” Lysandra asked.

Lesseth giggled, her entire jelly form shaking. “No, silly. It’s just Lesseth. And by the way, welcome aboard.”

“Yes,” Gren said. “Welcome.” She leaned over, and kissed Lysandra on the lips. Lysandra was a bit surprised. “Sylvan seductress,” Gren murmured. “Want to sleep with me tonight? I think it’s Val’s turn with Abby.”

“Um, sure,” Lysandra said. “We can sleep together. As a princess, I’m not really accustomed to sharing a bed with anyone, but –”

Yeah, some hot lesbo action while you’re banging the Paladin!

“Don’t you have a game to play, or something?” I asked him under my breath.

Play a game, when I can hang out with Uber Archfiend Uberabberubeyabby? Besides, I just rolled a natural 1.

“And what’s that do?”

Well, according to the sexual fumble table, it produces penile fracture.

I knew that Enash’s game was entirely made up by him, so I had to ask. “Why did you make a sexual fumble table, and why did you include that on it?”

Hey, it’s funny when you imagine it happening to someone else. Can you imagine if you’d gotten unlucky when banging the princess in the throne room?

“It’s not a bed, it’s a sleeping bag,” Gren explained to Lysandra

“They are really nice,” Valeria said. “Especially when you zip them all up, it’s almost like you’re trapped in there.”

“Having Lesseth all over me in town was claustrophobia enough for me today,” Lysandra said.

“I was soooo jealous!” Valeria said and then turned to Lesseth. “Can we do that sometime?”

“Of course, Val,” Lesseth said. “What flavor would you like me to be?”

“Strawberry.”

I dished the evening meal out into bowls and passed them around. Lysandra got quiet, but I thought I knew the cause. She was probably watching to see how the dynamics worked before diving in.