Marriage Alliance With The Lycan Monarch
Chapter 76: Feelings

Chapter 76: Feelings

I lay on the bed, but I wasn’t asleep, just there, staring at the furniture. Drevon and I haven’t said much to each other since that day. He’d also spent most of his time in his study.

I knew he had much work to do now that he had dissolved his court. But it suddenly felt like there was an invisible wall between us.

I thought I had made my peace with the feelings of want I had for Drevon, but that day showed me how unready I am to open my heart. If there was even a heart to give.

I spent most of my life living in hate and deceit, so I didn’t know what love felt like.

I wasn’t sure I was capable of loving or even feeling any positive emotions. Gods, I feel so terrible. It felt like my entire body was crumbling, and all I did was let it fall.

"Your Grace?"

"Oh, Osha, what do I do?"

"W-What if you tell him about Prince Damon? Tell him he’s bothering you and maybe you can have some peace."

I sat up with a start. "I can’t do that because if I do, it proves the whispers are true."

"They aren’t, Your Grace, and I’m sure the monarch will understand."

My expression fell, and I shook my head. "He has sacrificed so much for me. I feel like a burden already. Forget the whispers, I don’t want to cause bad blood in the royal family. The monarch has confined his mother, and if he finds out about..." I grit my teeth. "I don’t care about that trash, but I’ll not break his family apart."

"Your Grace," Osha said with teary eyes. "I understand, but because of this, you can’t pursue the feelings you have for the monarch. This is heartbreaking!"

"Feelings? Who said I had feelings for the monarch?"

"Y-You don’t?"

Her question got me rethinking what I just said. "No, no!" I huffed. "There is no way I do."

Osha stared at me, confused.

"Wanting him and having feelings for him are two different things."

"They are the same, Your Grace."

I lightly push on her shoulder. "Gosh!"

"I’m being serious, Your Grace. They are the same. You want him because you have feelings for him; your body speaks as well as your heart."

My smile slowly faded away as a heavy shiver grasped me hard, and I found myself rubbing my arms from the sudden chill.

Osha leaned toward me and continued. "Does your palms get sweaty, does your heart race? Did you stare like you had never seen him before, just to appreciate the view? When you think of the things he has done for you, does your heart flip?"

I snapped my gaze at Osha. "Are you some kind of soothsayer?"

Osha laughed softly. "Well, Your Grace, this is exactly the way you act whenever you see the monarch. It’s so cute to watch!"

Was everything about me that obvious? Or was Osha far too observant, or maybe she is just throwing jokes at me to ease my mood?

I shook my head, leaning away from her. "You’re making jokes now. There is no way I would act in such a way."

Osha sighed. "The more you deny it, the more true it becomes."

My entire body ran hot, and suddenly I was flapping my hand for breeze.

"See?" Osha urged as if my reaction now was all the evidence she needed. "Even if you don’t admit it, your body will."

"Whatever happened to that poker face, Sloane?" I suddenly ask, hoping to change the topic.

I didn’t like how accurate Osha was about my feelings. Maybe because I wasn’t willing to face it. I never engage in something when I’m not ready, and I’m not ready to admit my body screams entirely for Drevon Balthar.

"Oh, she was banished from the castle grounds."

Osha’s words snapped me from my mental turmoil.

"That’s too bad," I muttered. "I wish I could have gotten my revenge first. She played well, although she was a cunning bitch; she was a deserving player."

"Sounds like you enjoyed trying to bring down Sloane."

"Of course I did. It’s one of the most fun times I’ve had in this castle, and even though it ended up in a disaster, I feel proud of myself for attempting something as foolish as bringing down a Lycan with a powerful house and court."

The biggest regret I had was not avenging Talia. I still want to. Sloane didn’t deserve to simply walk away on a mere banishment; she needed to feel the pain she caused Talia ten times more.

"I don’t think you were foolish, Your Grace," Osha said, elated. "I think you were so brave, and I’m proud of you."

Aww. Osha just made me feel less terrible, even though I felt like I was sinking by the minute.

"I’ll get you breakfast!" Osha hurried to the door.

I sighed, resting my back on the headboard before pulling my knees to my chest.

I peered at the table at the far end where Drevon usually did his work whenever he was in his chamber.

I felt that emptiness again.

"Maybe it’s time to get back to my chambers."

~•~

The door opened, and I turned to it as Dia stepped in. She stayed at the door.

"Why are you standing there?"

"Can’t blame me for being careful."

I scoffed. "Relax, I won’t spank you."

"Promise?"

"I don’t keep promises."

"You guileful woman! Why did you call me here if not to smack my backside!"

"I need an audience with the princess," I declared.

"Hmph! The princess is quite busy now."

"But how do I thank her personally for what she has done for me?"

"You already have, through me, remember?"

I folded my arms. "I feel like I should do that personally."

Dia worked closer, but hesitating and keeping a good distance between us. "What do you want? I know you didn’t just call me here for a thank you meeting."

She’s starting to know me well. It’s terrifying how that is.

"It’s about Sloane."

"What about her?"

"I heard she was banished from the castle grounds, never to step foot here again. On a scale from one to ten, how effective is it?"

A serious expression took over Dia. "A solid five and a three."

"The Dowager," I said, like it was all the answer I needed, and it was.

She nodded. "Let’s not forget Sloane is from a great house that has supported the crown for as long as I can remember. The Dowager considers her a daughter, too."

I didn’t miss the undertone of envy in Dia’s voice when she mentioned that last part.

"The monarch made a swift decision that day to deal with the situation. I think it was a wise one to avoid bloodshed."

I understand that, too. I knew this won’t be the last I’ve seen of Sloane Altherin.