It's Just A Picture (BL)
Chapter 49: I hate myself

Chapter 49: I hate myself

"Seojun," he looked at me with interest, wondering what I had to say, and so I gave it a shot. "Are you gay?"

I took up the courage to ask and immediately, he didn’t waste a single breath, he answered,

"No." And thus, my heart dropped.

I was so nervous, deciding to bring up that topic, only to be answered like that. I was a fool.

"I see." I said, bowing my head to hide the disappointment and pain plastered on my face.

"Are you okay?" He asked but I shook my head.

"Why would you kiss me then?"

"Because I like you." He answered as plainly as he answered the first question and it bothered me.

Did he think liking someone was that easy? No, did he even know the meaning of his words?

Maybe he was referring to a simple term where you like your fellow human beings but kissing them might just be a part of his way of expressing it. So that meant, he could do this to anyone.

"Have you kissed someone before? Simply because you liked them?" I asked with my head down.

I was secretly wishing that was not the case, but his answer broke me.

"Yes, I have." He answered.

The simplicity in his tone broke me even more.

’Ugh, and here my heart was fluttering with a single kiss. I’m so stupid.’ I wanted to cry. I thought I was at least special.

He would kiss anyone, be it male or female, so long as he liked them.

It was painful in its own way. Then, did that mean Seojin felt the same way?

"Hyung," Seojun called, reaching out to hold my hand but I instinctively drew my hand back, avoiding his touch. I only realized it when I saw the expression on his face.

He looked shocked.

Well, I was in the same condition. I felt like I had my heart broken by the person I trusted the most but it wasn’t his fault.

I was the one reading meaning into his actions of my own free will. He didn’t say anything.

His innocence simply leads me on.

"Could... Could you step outside for a moment?" I asked, not daring to make eye contact and rubbing my hand awkwardly. "I’ll wake Seojin up and feed him. You can use his room in the meantime."

"Hyung, you ... Did I ...?"

"I’ll call you if I need anything." I purposely interrupted him. "I... I want to be alone."

I knew that if I let him say the things in his mind, I would end up misinterpreting again and then I would make a mistake. I didn’t want to feel pain anymore. I hated pain.

Without another word, Seojun walked past me and opened the door. He looked at me for a while before exiting the room and closing the door after him.

Agh, being around the twins... Brought me pain.

Tears slowly trickled down my cheeks.

’I’m crying again.’ I thought to myself. I didn’t even want to clean up the tears.

"Hyung," I heard Seojin’s voice and felt his hot palm press against my wet cheek. "Why are you crying?" He asked.

"I peeled some onions," I said, smiling brightly like there was no problem at all.

But Seojin was no fool. He probably figured out that I was lying but my lying already sent out the message that I didn’t want to talk about it so he pretended to buy the story and said,

"You should be careful." He said. "Hope you didn’t cut your hands."

"No, I didn’t." I said. "Now, can you sit up? The porridge has gone a little cold but it should be hot enough to digest."

"Yes, I... I think the medicine is already working." He said, trying to sit up and I aided him.

I was glad Seojin was asleep when I asked Seojun that question. I was glad he didn’t hear our conversation. I didn’t want to ask him. I was scared of having my heart drop a second time.

It was better not to have expectations when knowing you might be disappointed, but who’s to say that you won’t get hurt when it eventually happens?

I hated myself for feeling bliss in the comfort of the twins. I hated myself for feeling happy that they held me in their arms. And I hated myself for wanting more after just having a little taste of them.

I was greedy, yes. But I wasn’t selfish.

"Eat a bit more." I said, still putting up my smiling mask. "You can go back to sleep once you finish this. Seojun was..." I paused, feeling a lump in my chest but quickly gulped it down and continued speaking, preventing my mask from falling. "He was able to finish the entire bowl and it was way more than this. Don’t be a wuss and eat more." I said.

"Fine." Seojin said, swiping his hair back. "I can finish way more than Seojun can ever." He said and took the spoonful of porridge in his mouth.

He picked up the glass of water and drank it.

All the while, I had my eyes on his lips, reminiscing on his kiss.

Once again, I reminded myself, ’I hate myself.’

I didn’t have time to wipe him down but I was sure he would be able to take a hot bath on his own. That would help him feel much better and it would wash away the sweat that contained traces of his sickness.

They say sweating is a good sign since it means the medicine is working, and his high temperature was already reducing, so I was glad.

"It’s already 1 am." I said, checking the time on my phone. "I don’t think you two will be able to work today so I’ll take a sick leave for you. Is that okay?" I asked, preparing to leave.

Seojin was also preparing to bathe. He looked like he could handle himself, and he insisted that I don’t come close to the bathroom, so I took that as my cue to head home.

I already did a lot so I wouldn’t have any regrets.

"I’ll check up on you guys before going to work." I said but he caught my hand.

He already took off his shirt, so the impeccable abs I could only see closely through my camera lenses when zooming in were so visibly bold in front of me.

They were gorgeous.

Focus, Dongwoo. Don’t fall for his abs.

"Are you sure you don’t want to sleep here tonight? What if I feel faint in the middle of the night?" He asked.

"Then your brother will help you." I said.

"And what if we both feel faint?"

That certainly wouldn’t happen, but to assure him, I stroked his hair a little and said,

"Feel free to call me then."

"Alright." He smiled.

He let go of my hand and said,

"Goodnight, Hyung. I would’ve hugged you but I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable since I’m without a shirt." He said and I nodded.

"Y-yeah, good night."

I made my way out of the room. I looked around with my eyes but didn’t find Seojun. I was hurt, but I didn’t want him to think there were issues between us, so I decided to look for him.

"Seojun?" I knocked on the next room door, which I assumed to be Seojin’s room that Seojun was currently resting at. "It’s already so late, so I’ll be heading out now." There was no response. "Are you there?"

The door opened and I got a whiff of burning cigarettes.

"Hyung." Seojun called and I looked up at him. He was smiling but he wasn’t happy. Did I hurt his feelings? "I’ll walk you to the door."