Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale
Book 4: Chapter 41: Love is a Burnin’ Fire

What do you do when you’re a hero and need a place to hide for a few weeks? You bury yourself in work, of course. Now that the spring ball was over, I had lots of time on my hands, so I decided to go nuts on cider.

Pear cider, cherry cider, dragondrool cider, bloodfruit cider. If it was a fruit, and it existed, I fermented it – even the weird dungeon varieties that had no business being a cider. A quick check with [Detect Poison] and a run past the alchemist and Penelope, and it was off to be bottled as the newest [Thirsty Goat] special edition. We had ciders that caused hair growth, ciders that caused hair loss, ciders that were sour, and ciders that were spicy. I very nearly got the next level of [More Brews] with just ciders!

By this point, everybody wanted Thirsty Goat cider and beer, and I was working my tail off with the rest of the crew to get enough product to market.

To add to the problem, maple syrup was popping off even harder, and unlike cider, we had to go into the dungeon to farm more. And to make matters worse, we had another incident with disappearing syrup!

And no amount of spying was revealing our syrup thief. The monster! Probably literally!

But I barely had time for the conundrum. It was looking more and more like we were at our max capacity. Which either meant hiring more hands. Or building more automation.

So, it was back to the drawing board with Copperpot and Richter. The Brewing School plans scaled up quite nicely, especially once we added automatic mixers, carbon dioxide infusers, and extra pumps to the equation. The end result was quite literally something out of fantasy, with runic heating, enchanted sterilization, and mana powered circulators.

It also cost more gold than I wanted to dwell on.

Pretty much the only step that required a living person was a quick use of [Refine Brew] on the end step for anything with Mana in it. Richter was soon our head Brewer by dint of being the only other person qualified to handle half the equipment. He thoroughly enjoyed getting to boss Johnsson and Aqua around.

With the new brewroom complete, Copperpot and I started on the next assignment – pipes for the maple syrup. I wanted the syrup out of the dungeon where our erstwhile thief wouldn’t be able to get at it.

Unlike regular maples, which needed time to refresh their sap, the dungeon maple trees were able to be tapped year round. And rather than send folks into the dungeon every day, it was much easier to build some pipes that pumped the sap directly into the inn for processing. Copperpot had the system fully built and installed in under a day, proclaiming it beneath his expertise.

Ah well, all it cost was a small percentage of every crop of syrup to be delivered to the Pot Corporation.

And just like that, a month and a half passed. I had a shiny new point in Intelligence, and I was thoroughly bored of cider.

Which was how Mirelda found me when she finally came out of her house again.

—

“Pete! You have a visitor!”

I glanced up at Johnsson’s peculiar tone then rolled my eyes at his shit-eating grin. “Send her up!”

A moment later Mirleda sat down with a huff and gave me a lazy wave.

“Hey beard-boy, how are you?”

I gave her a look over. Clean, well groomed, smelled like lavender, and her eyes glittered with life. Hopefully not depressed then. “You look good. I was worried when you didn’t return my letters.”

She clutched her heart. “You wound me. I did tell you I was fine.”

“All you said was ‘busy’, I don’t think that counts. I was worried.”

She shuffled guiltily. “Well, weren’t you busy too?

I hesitated, looking at my table strewn with technical drawings. “Yeeeesss, but it would’ve been nice to hear from you. I –” I hesitated, “I missed seeing you around.”

She blinked, then her cheeks reddened and she shuffled her feet under the table. “I guess I missed you too, a little.”

“Just a little??” I grabbed at my chest. “You wound me!”

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She laughed. “Tis but a flesh wound!”

“But you cut my heart out!”

We laughed, then jumped at a cough beside the table. Aqua was standing there with an ordering pad.

“Aqua?” I frowned. “Shouldn’t Bando be doing the orders?”

Aqua ignored me. “Hullo Mirelda! Long time no seeee – ”

Mirelda smiled. “Hi Aqua. How’s the business going?”

“Oh, you know. It’s going.” Aqua chirped. “Are you here for a drink or to see Pete?”

Mirelda blinked. “Um. To have a drink?”

“Uh huh,” Aqua deadpanned, giving me a look. “What do you want?”

“Can I have a dragondrool cider? It’s sooooo good.” Mirelda clapped happily. “I must’ve gone through a couple dozen of them while I was – well, you know.”

Aqua’s face split into a massive smile. “How about you? Is it done? Last time we spoke you were halfway.”

Mirelda grinned. “It is.”

Aqua squealed. “Ahhh! You have to let me read it. Annie is going to pop!”

“Can you thank her and Balin for me? Honestly, I wouldn’t have been comfortable doing it without their permission.”

Aqua waved her hand dismissively. “It’s fiiiinine. I’m more worried about the other guy. You heard what's happened, aye?”

Mirelda bit on a lock of her hair in a nervous tick. “I did. But… Balin says he checked, and that it’s fine.”

I stared at the two of them in consternation. When’d they had time to get so close? “What are you two talking about?”

“Nothing!” The pair said simultaneously.

I read between the lines. Something that was getting easier and easier as my Intelligence and Wisdom increased. “You – wrote a book!”

I whirled on Mirelda, my finger accusing.

“Guilty.” She grinned back. “It looks like all I was missing was the right kind of inspiration.”

“Can I read it?”

“Can I read it first?” Aqua added.

Mirelda blushed. “Not yet. You’ll both get to read it when it goes to press. Promise.”

I whistled. “Ya found someone ta print it? Impressive work. Is it a romance? Fantasy? What would a fantasy even look like in a fantasy world? Science Fiction then? Dino smut?”

Mirelda hissed. “I will never write dino smut, stop mentioning it! I swear it was created just to lampoon the genre, and then some absolute tittering buffoons took it seriously.”

“But it writes itself,” I snickered. “Like when tha big bad lizard boy t-rex the ladies with – ”

“Gods, please stop!” Mirelda choked. Aqua just smiled and nodded.

“I’ll go grab your cider. Have fun you two!” Aqua crooned, and whispered in my ear as she passed by, “I’ll keep Penelope away so you don’t have a jealous lover trying to horn in on your date.”

I gave a swipe at her beard, but she danced out of the way and strutted off.

“You’re really lucky, you know. Finding such a good family.” Mirelda sighed. “Not everyone was so blessed.”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Barck helped, a wee bit. He put my soul somewhere it’d find some like minds.”

Mirelda shook her head. “No, it’s more than that. You’re kind, caring, and considerate. You work hard, but don’t take yourself too seriously. So, you’ve ended up with people who are just like that.”

Now it was my turn to blush. “Aw, thanks. But yer great too, y’know.”

“Oh, you don’t have to tell me,” she sniffed. “It’s just a shame nobody here appreciates my art.”

“But you do have another book?” I steered the conversation away from the somewhat uncomfortable place it was going.

“I do! It’s still just the first draft, but I think it’ll really sell! I’ve read a lot of local literature, and this pushes the boundaries without stepping on toes!”

“And who’s publishin’?”

Mirelda’s face soured. “I admit it. I swore I’d never do it, but there just aren’t any publishing houses for romance novels and it isn’t like Kindle is a thing. I know how medieval publishing worked, but… I just want to write.”

“Joseph’s doin’ it.” I said. It wasn’t a question.

“Joseph’s doing it.” Mirelda agreed with a sigh.

“Nothing wrong with that. He’s a good businessman, and he wants ta support ‘is fellow Earthers.”

“Yesss, but it gives someone that I know has ulterior motives power over me. I don’t like it.” Mirelda frowned.

“Eh, depends on tha contract. Was it a good ‘un?”

“Yes, yes, almost obscenely unfair for him actually.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Berry put him up to it, actually. She’s an artsy type. Knows what it’s like.”

Mirelda nodded. “That’s the feeling I got too.”

“So… can I read it?” I asked.

Mirelda hummed and hawwed, then pulled a beaten manuscript out of her own [Paper Pusher] space. “You can look at it, but that’s it. I promised Annie and Aqua they could read it first.”

I took the paper-bound tome in my hand. It was weathered and beaten, with the look of a book that was cared for, but well-used.

The title was: “The Prince and I: A Golden Romance”

“No…” I begged all the Gods, demons, and anyone who might be listening.

But it was.

I was holding a harlequin BL romance featuring a plucky dwarven hero as an adventurer in an exotic land, and his seductive elven prince-turned-lover.

“It’s turned out to be very popular in focus groups. Joseph has almost ten thousand pre-orders lined up.” Mirelda put in.

I almost burned it, right then and there.

Almost.