A Time of Tigers - From Peasant to Emperor
Chapter 1392 - 1392: Brilliance - Part 11

"Being terrified of something and still doing it every day is pretty impressive," Nila agreed. "And I mean, there must have been something more to him, if you were his son, after all. What would he say, if he'd seen all that you'd done?"

"I imagine he'd be more than a little shocked…" Oliver said. "When I used to tell my father and mother that I wanted to be a knight, they'd both gently try and explain to me that only the nobility had a chance at knighthood. My mother kept up with those explanations, but after a while, my father realized that he couldn't change my mind, and he started to act like it was the most natural thing in the world for me to become a knight. He would nod his head whenever I would talk about it, even though we both knew it was impossible… And yet here we are, in the belly of impossibility."

"You have gone much further than you knew to as a child," Nila said. "And you'll go a lot further still."

"But, was the price for all of it worth it?" Oliver pondered. "For everything I have gained, there has been death. Beginning with my family, and then to Dominus, who died to give me this noble title. And even more recently, when Karstly gave me the temporary Command of a Colonel, it was Tolsey and Lombard who died to see us victorious. If there need be so many other sacrifices for my wants, then perhaps I had better not want at all."

"That isn't true!" Nila said, more loudly than she intended. "You can't blame yourself for any of those. I'm not sure… quite… what happened with your family, for you've never told me, but I think I can perhaps guess. As for Dominus, we both know that he chose what he chose willingly. The same, I am sure, is true for Lombard and Tolsey. Lombard was always talking about serving his Lord, wasn't he? Isn't that what he died, aiming to do?"

"A Yarmdon raid, Nila," Oliver said. "That was all it was. Just another one of many tragedies that the Lords and Ladies of this kingdom hear of every day. It happens so frequently that I can't even complain about the 'why us', but still, I do wonder, why it was us. And what I might have been, if I'd been allowed that peaceful life? Would I have been content in the village, when tragedy did not find us? Or would I have grown restless, and wanted something to happen, no matter what it was?"

"I think you will have always have ended up somewhere," Nila said. "You are that sort of person. Even as a child, you said you were causing a stir. Weren't you bound for somewhere, sooner or later?"

"Perhaps," Oliver said. "But it would have been better if I hadn't wanted more. If I'd known to do as my father did, and known to smile doing something I hated. That seems to be the harder task, than looking at the world, and deciding what you might seize from it."

"But you have suffered for what you have," Nila said. "It isn't as if you're being greedy, or anything… You can't put it all in a negative light. You've done the best with what you have. That's nothing but praiseworthy."

"Oh, but I am greedy," Oliver said, turning to look her in the eye as he said it. The reflected flames of the fires made the gold of his eyes shine all the brighter. "My greed only grows, Nila. I want it all. That is not the sort of man that I ought to be, with all the trust that people have put in me… But I realize it with time, that is what I am. My nature is that of an outstretched hand. It seems to have always been. Our allies would not be pleased to hear it, should they know. I think my ambitions begin to extend beyond what they would think to be allowable."

He said it all in a whisper, as if it was the most sinful of admissions. As if he could not have been more ashamed of it. He poked at the fire, adding more wood, seeming to expect some sort of rebuke from Nila.

"Do you say that, thinking I would reject you for it?" Nila said, frowning.

"Mm," Oliver said. "I wonder. I think I said it, just to say it, so that someone might know me. Or at least know a little more of me than someone else."

"If you wish for me to know you, then tell me more," Nila insisted. "You claim to be greedy, but that isn't nearlyyyy enough. We know greedy people, in Greeves and the like, and you're so different to him that it's hardly an admission. Everyone is well aware that you aim highly, and they love you for it. Are your men not just as excited by your own progress as by their own?"

"Oh, but they do not see what I have yet said aloud," Oliver said.

"Then say it aloud," Nila said.

"I dare not," Oliver said. "This is a secret I shall keep wrapped tightly to my chest. I think to say it would be to weaken myself. Perhaps, in time, you shall see evidence of it, and even that will be too much."

Nila pouted. "You're unfair. You said you wanted me to know you better."

"Only for my own selfishness," Oliver said. "To know that someone accepted the worse parts of me."

"But then you will not even share those worst parts with me…" Nila complained. "Do I not do the same for you? Do you not see just how pathetic I am? And have you not always been kind enough to look at it head on, and not turn me away for it?"

"Ahh, but even you have things you do not want to say," Oliver said, pinning her with that arrow. They both knew, in that moment, exactly what he was talking about. They'd discussed the matters of Nila's inexplicable fear before, but they had not torn out its heart, and placed it in front of themselves for viewing. Nila squirmed, not so sure that she knew yet if she wished to do that.