A Time of Tigers - From Peasant to Emperor
Chapter 1283 - 1283: The Sword's Lacking - Part 9

Oliver froze in place. "…Damn it," he cursed.

"I didn't mean to suggest that it was a bad thing."

"No," Oliver said. "You are right. I overlooked the obvious. No wonder it felt like such a natural course of action. Damn it all. How am I meant to defeat my old ideas if I only continue to do what is natural?"

"But is this not how you have acted in the past, on your intuition? Is it not your intuition that serves you best? You seem to feel that this is a step in the right direction, before I was foolish enough to point it out. And yet, by the same token, you feel as if the ordinary battlefield is not. Perhaps this is merely that beginning of distance? It might be similar, but there will be differences.

Maybe those differences will be enough to start to see a change," Verdant said.

"…Wisely spoken," Oliver said.

Verdant shook his head. "I started speaking and I was unable to stop. In truth, I think my words are empty ones. I am a student parroting back a teacher's own words to him. These are things that you have told me before – I do not understand them fully enough to take credit for them."

"Then we are the same," Oliver said. "For they're not my words, they're Dominus', and they're all I have as guidance in looking for a way forward… Perhaps that is the nature of the thing. It is the killing of something that I have held dear, and has been the foundation of everything thus far. It is only natural that there would be a pain to it.

And it is only natural that I wouldn't be able to fell it in one blow. Perhaps I just need to struggle… But I must confess, Verdant, the resistance I am feeling to drawing the sword is a resistance imposed by my own mind. My body wants to see battle just as strongly as before, even knowing that it might only lead to stagnation."

"A complex battle, my Lord…" Verdant said, studying him. "You smile when you speak of the suffering. Is it really worthy of a smile?"

Oliver laughed. There was nothing else to do for it. "I've attacked a similar idea before in swordsmanship – the idea that I needed to defeat previous ideas, in order to overcome them. And it's a horrible thing, Verdant. It feels like you're tearing yourself apart. But being able to voluntarily confront it makes it manageable.

To be thrust into it without warning, as the common man is, to have all that suffering without explanation. That is a true level of burden."

"And there's a way of determining the worth of what you reap in that, do you suppose?" Verdant said.

"I think so. The suffering it takes to acquire something seems to be as good an acknowledgement of its strength through progress than any. It makes me doubt the easy path now," Oliver said. "It does feel like I'm running around in circles, though. I had similar thoughts when I was aiming to break through the Fourth Boundary.

That ought to have been it – it should have been unhinged progress from there, like it was during my time at the Academy. But I was wrong. For all the Boundaries that I have broken, a limit has been reached elsewhere. I suspected it might happen, but I dared to hope that like Dominus, I would need to wait until the Fifth Boundary before I needed to confront it."

"…You suppose that Dominus went through a similar thing, when he broke through to the Sixth?" Verdant said with undisguised interest.

"I wouldn't dare to put myself on the same level as him. But I think the style of the problem to be solved was similar. He had to defeat a fundamental belief, in order to overcome those years of stagnation. He had to tear apart his soul. I think I have to do a similar thing, in order to snatch up the progress due to me, having broken through the Fourth Boundary.

But I do not know what belief it is I need to rival, only that my considerations of the battlefield are lacking. It could be that the problem is in a different domain altogether," Oliver said.

"Do you never tire, my Lord?" Verdant asked. "Another man in your position might allow themselves to feel satisfaction. You slew a General, after all. And you are impossibly young. A few months, a year even, you could allow yourself to appreciate that. It is only further progress that you claim yourself to be denied, correct?

It is not as if you do not have the strength of a Fourth Boundary man regardless, do you?"

Oliver inclined his head. "I suppose I am troublesome for that. I do not think I can ever afford to stand still if I don't do so feeling the current of a river of progress at my back. When I am stagnant, I am lost… And Blackwell and Karstly pointed out my flaws so precisely, how could I now ignore them?

How often is a man given the opportunity to objectively measure his weaknesses with the eyes of those at the very pinnacle of their craft? Progress was a means to an end at one point, but now I do not know how to live my life without aiming for it."

"There's Lady Felder," Verdant said. "A man finds purpose in family, often enough."

"Perhaps," Oliver said, his smile saddening to a degree. "But that is a realm I feel I have no control over. I do not even think I want control over it. Leaving it in chaos, for the pieces to end up where they ought to, feels far more sane. I will busy myself with the pursuit of strength, for that is all I have."

"Towards what end?" Verdant asked. "Do you see an endpoint, beyond it all? A General's head, claimed by your hand, is that not the pinnacle?"