A Mortal’s Immortal Gourd
Chapter 74: Spouting Filth from the Mouth

Ergouzi left the black market and followed Sima Yi to Hongyan Restaurant. The place was indeed bustling today, with the entire establishment decorated with lanterns and colored banners.

The street outside was already packed with beggars who had arrived early to secure spots. On this joyous occasion, Hongyan Restaurant had unprecedentedly set up a porridge stall outside. They simply boiled various kitchen scraps and waste mixed with slops into a large pot of porridge. The beggars would occasionally find a shred of meat in their porridge and become ecstatic.

At the entrance of Hongyan Restaurant, two attendants in blue clothes guarded the doorway. They would smile and bow to welcome distinguished guests of status, leading them inside. Those without status or position had to present invitations and gifts. Attending the county magistrate's birthday banquet was considered an extraordinary honor, not something just anyone could do. As for people like Ergouzi, with sun-darkened skin and rough clothing, they would be chased away immediately. Having such people stand at the entrance for even a moment was considered an insult to the noble guests inside.

However, today they could only watch helplessly as Ergouzi walked right past them. They didn't dare stop him and even had to bow obsequiously.

The first floor of Hongyan Restaurant was packed with guests in every corner. They whispered among themselves, eyeing each newcomer for potential connections. Many brightened upon seeing Sima Yi enter, considering approaching him, but quickly abandoned the idea. Sima Yi disliked dealing with such people, and trying to curry favor now would only invite disdain. They were merely curious about the farmer following Sima Yi and their surprisingly close relationship.

Of course, many recognized Ergouzi from his outstanding performance in the martial scholar examination.

The two passed through the first floor and went straight up to the second floor via the stairs. The guests here had slightly more status and the atmosphere was less crowded and noisy. But their gazes toward Sima Yi burned even hotter with envy, knowing they could never ascend to the third floor like he could with such ease.

The third floor was reserved for scions of the county's most established families - all second-generation elites.

Neither Sima Yi nor Ergouzi enjoyed crowds, so they found a corner to sit. Today's banquet featured a continuous flow of dishes served in succession. The dishes were exquisitely presented, arranged in artistic patterns on plates so beautiful one might hesitate to eat them. But Ergouzi had come specifically to eat his money's worth, targeting whatever looked most expensive.

One jade plate held a delicately carved fairy that seemed ethereal and pitiful. Without hesitation, Ergouzi stabbed his chopsticks down, decapitating the fairy figure - because the white fairy sculpture clearly looked like the most expensive part of the dish. Tossing the fairy head into his mouth, he crunched loudly - crispy and delicious!

The surrounding second-generation elites all cast disdainful glances his way, unconsciously shifting away to distance themselves from Ergouzi. They couldn't fathom why Sima Yi would bring such a country bumpkin here. Only Sima Yi remained unfazed, tearing off the fairy's arm and chewing it with equal gusto.

"How does it taste?"

"Tastes like white radish," Ergouzi answered truthfully, finding the dish rather ordinary aside from its appearance.

"Indeed, it's carved from white radish," Sima Yi crunched away as he explained the dishes to Ergouzi. "Generally, these beautifully arranged plate decorations aren't meant to be eaten."

Ergouzi realized his mistake and flushed with embarrassment. Fortunately, his sun-darkened skin hid the blush.

"See this small dish? These are sparrow tongue tips. They can only be harvested from newly fledged rice sparrows - just the tip of the tongue. This small plate requires killing over a thousand sparrows."

"And this dish appears to be simple cabbage leaves. Actually, it takes several chickens and hours of simmering to infuse the cabbage with chicken essence. So while it looks like cabbage, if you close your eyes, you'll taste chicken."

Sima Yi seemed to understand Ergouzi's mindset and pointed out the most expensive, labor-intensive dishes.

"What happens to the chicken after making this dish?" Ergouzi was more concerned about the leftover chicken.

"The essence has been boiled out, so it's useless - probably thrown away as scraps." Sima Yi wasn't entirely sure about kitchen matters.

"Then there's this dish - they tie a live donkey to a tree, pour hot oil over its rump to cook the meat, then slice the cooked flesh directly from the living animal before seasoning it."

"And these duck feet - they spread seasoning on a hot iron plate, drive live ducks onto it while heating from below..."

"This noodle soup is actually shark fin..."

"This is Buddha Jumps Over the Wall..."

"Stuffed yellow croaker..."

As Sima Yi introduced each extravagant dish, Ergouzi ate voraciously, mentally calculating how much value he was recovering. But human capacity has limits - he became painfully full while expensive dishes kept arriving. He couldn't possibly finish them all! For the first time in his life, he found his stomach inadequate. In times of hunger, he felt he could eat an ox in one sitting. Now faced with such delicacies, he filled up after just a few bites.

After loosening his belt several times, Ergouzi finally admitted defeat. "Take your time eating. I need to relieve myself before continuing." Holding up his pants with one hand and rubbing his belly with the other, he walked slowly down a corridor, occasionally belching. He needed to walk off his meal before returning to eat more.

His appearance clearly marked him as an overstuffed country bumpkin to the sophisticated crowd, who gave him wide berth. Wandering aimlessly, Ergouzi accidentally found himself in the kitchen area - a sizable complex with separate rooms for ingredient storage, butchering, vegetable washing, etc.

"Hey! Who are you?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Get out!"

The kitchen staff, seeing his peasant attire, assumed he was a gatecrasher looking to steal food. They shouted at him without courtesy, ready to physically remove him if he didn't leave quickly. Even after he departed, their curses followed him.

An idea struck Ergouzi for revenge against these snobs. Finding a secluded spot, he took out an invisibility talisman and stuck it on himself, disappearing from view. Now invisible, he swaggered back into the kitchen.

In one large kitchen where thousands of chickens and ducks were being plucked, Ergouzi stealthily collected all the prepared poultry into his gourd. One kitchen maid rubbed her eyes in disbelief - the pile of chicken meat had vanished before her eyes.

At a stove where a large pot of chicken soup simmered, Ergouzi lifted the lid when no one was looking, removed all the chicken, and replaced it with a worn shoe and a dead rat.

Another kitchen held numerous clay pots of the Buddha Jumps Over the Wall dish they'd just eaten. Without hesitation, Ergouzi stole all the ingredients and replaced them with chicken intestines and feathers from the plucking process.

Ergouzi suddenly realized how foolish he'd been - stuffing his belly could never compare to directly raiding the kitchen. Theft was indeed addictive - as a child he stole pig feed, now he stole human delicacies.

He moved through the kitchens, taking whatever he could. The storeroom was packed with provisions - poultry, meat, seafood, even dozens of slaughtered cows and donkeys. With no one around, he shamelessly collected everything into his gourd. There were multiple storerooms, and Ergouzi systematically looted them all, graduating from petty thief to grand larcenist.

After all, everyone knew Hongyan Restaurant and Hong'an Hall were the county magistrate's properties. Stealing from them carried no moral burden.

By the time Ergouzi left the kitchen area, chaos had erupted - the staff ran about searching frantically for missing ingredients. Meanwhile, Ergouzi returned calmly to the banquet as if nothing had happened. Though his stomach had settled somewhat, the sight of all that food now turned his stomach.

"I'm full. Maybe we should go."

"Really done eating?" Sima Yi seemed surprised by the sudden change from voracious eating to disinterest.

"Done!"

Having grown up with fine cuisine, Sima Yi wasn't particularly attached to the meal either, and the two departed Hongyan Restaurant.

Meanwhile, on the fifth floor - normally reserved exclusively for the county magistrate - the county's dozen most powerful figures gathered for the celebration. Everyone important was present except the county sheriff.

Their banquet featured even more extravagant dishes than below, including the very goose Ergouzi had killed, now served as food.

"According to Sima Gang's report, the countryside is overrun with rebellious peasants - too many to kill them all," someone reported.

"Your Honor, should we open the granaries to provide some relief?" asked the elderly county registrar, a man without cultivation, his voice laced with concern.

"That's womanly softheartedness!" The magistrate rejected the suggestion without hesitation. "Giving food to rebellious peasants would only encourage their lawlessness. Others would follow their example - causing trouble whenever hungry. We cannot tolerate such behavior!"

With years of experience governing troublesome commoners, the magistrate spoke with authority. "Let these troublemakers die. Only the obedient deserve to remain."

As he spoke, the magistrate ladled a bowl of Buddha Jumps Over the Wall from the clay pot. Bringing it to his lips, he took one sip before spraying it violently across the table. The spray coated everyone's faces with broth, spittle... and what appeared to be chicken droppings.

No one expected the magistrate to literally spew filth from his mouth. Yet they dared not wipe their faces in his presence - that would show disrespect to their superior.

Enraged, the magistrate smashed the clay pot on the floor. It shattered, revealing not delicacies but chicken feathers, intestines... and indeed, chicken droppings.