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Chapter 204 - 202 Feeling Self-Blame

Chapter 204: Chapter 202 Feeling Self-Blame

"Hmm." Sure enough, the visitor nodded affirmatively.

At the same time, the body language related to [defense] eased once again.

[The left hand was lowered, only the right hand still grasped the left arm.]

[The back straightened, extending the abdomen, and the neck rested against the sofa back.]

[When she confirmed my speculation, she made eye contact with me.]

Nan Zhubin delved deeper in that direction: "When you have insomnia and difficulty concentrating, are you thinking about the same thing?"

"Yes."

"What are you thinking about?"

Nan Zhubin’s question seemed to trigger some kind of keyword.

Cheng Hui immediately lowered her head.

[Deep breath, swallow throat—nervous.]

[Pupils dilated... but there was eye movement, indicating it’s not a daze, but a memory.]

[The things you think about during insomnia and difficulty concentrating, are you thinking about them now as well?]

"I think about my friend."

Upon hearing this, Nan Zhubin paused for a moment.

"I think about things with her in the past... like how I met her, the important things we said to each other, things we did together, and... some ’other’ images."

At this point, the visitor raised her left hand, which she had just lowered, making a gesture of hugging herself, and rubbed her arms as if she were very cold.

This was another round of [defense].

But it wasn’t directed at Nan Zhubin, rather at her current memory.

"And then, these fragments, images of memories, always pop up from time to time, even when I sometimes want them to stop. I don’t want to remember them, but they insist on appearing..."

Nan Zhubin nodded inwardly.

Uncontrollable flashbacks, termed as [intrusive memory] in psychological consultation, can appear in an individual’s mind irrespective of the setting or timing, even if the individual tries hard to control or suppress them.

Common in [PTSD] and [Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder].

Nan Zhubin had a faint suspicion in his mind.

Or rather, some part of Nan Zhubin’s speculation was validated.

Nan Zhubin steadied himself and said, "It seems that these memories have now interfered with your normal life."

"Yes."

"So if we don’t look at the effects these memories caused, but instead focus on the memories themselves—are these memories frightening or beautiful?"

Nan Zhubin saw Cheng Hui suddenly quiet down.

Then, her breathing visibly quickened.

[Fear.]

A pronounced change in emotion.

"There are... frightening ones, mostly frightening, and a small part are beautiful."

Nan Zhubin knowingly asked, simultaneously verifying his guess and further strengthening the consultation relationship: "But the emotional experience from these originally beautiful memories, even though not ’frightening’, is still negative, right?"

Cheng Hui rubbed her arms: "Yes."

Nan Zhubin pressed on: "Is it because the final experience between you two, or rather the last impression of her, was not good, causing the previously beautiful impressions to dissipate as well, right?"

"... You could say that."

Another successful explanation to the visitor’s internal self.

Nan Zhubin now very much wanted to ask for details about this "friend" of Cheng Hui’s.

But he knew it wasn’t yet the right time.

He needed to establish the consultation first.

Just one last bit was needed.

"Do you wish for these memories to disappear from your mind?"

This question startled Cheng Hui.

Nan Zhubin spoke slowly: "You just said these memories disturbed your sleep, disturbed your study, disturbed your work, and disturbed your life—then do you wish for them to disappear?"

Cheng Hui hesitated for a bit, but without taking long to think, slowly shook her head.

Nan Zhubin did not merely want to see action; he wanted the visitor to articulate it.

This was important.

"What do you wish for them?" he prompted.

Cheng Hui briefly clenched the hand that was initially hugging her arm, leaving a mark on her down jacket.

This was a momentary [defense] intensification, indicating Cheng Hui’s reluctance to speak.

But because it was just a "momentary exertion," this bout of [defense] was fleeting.

"I... don’t wish for them to disappear." The pace was slow, but the tone was unexpectedly steady.

Nan Zhubin guided: "Then when do you wish for these memories to appear?"

Nan Zhubin first posed an open-ended question but did not let the visitor respond; instead, he used this open-ended question as informational background, then further narrowed the scope.

He promptly asked the second question: "When you actively think about them, can these memories appear?"

"Yes," Cheng Hui answered quickly this time, "When I actively think, they can appear."

"Is there any other time they can appear?"

Nan Zhubin threw an open-ended question again without narrowing the scope this time.

Cheng Hui actively started to ponder: "Other times..."

She seemed like she made a decision: "When I see something related to her, like the kind of food we ate together."

Nan Zhubin followed up: "Is there anything else?"

"And..." Cheng Hui pursed her lips, "before going to sleep."

She immediately explained: "I want to recall them for a while before sleep because I don’t want to forget her. But, I don’t want it to cause insomnia..."

Nan Zhubin nodded, indicating his understanding.

He continuously maintained a smile.

"So, you mentioned earlier that a small portion of these memories are beautiful, but most are frightening. Yet even the beautiful part brings you negative emotions at this moment."

Nan Zhubin softly said, "Can you describe your emotion? Using one word?"

This aimed to actively let the visitor re-experience the emotional response.

Cheng Hui gripped her arms with her palms, and her legs twisted into an "X" shape.

Her calves and shoes also began to rub occasionally.

Her breathing became quicker.

Indicating her body felt quite uncomfortable now.

Nan Zhubin observed every tiny change, waiting for what he perceived to align with the word Cheng Hui would soon utter.

[Wait, her hand...]

Only to see Cheng Hui’s hand forcefully pinched her down jacket and then slowly moved upward.

While holding herself tighter, she also grabbed her own hair.

Then, she started to clench forcefully.

The slight pain made her furrow her brows unconsciously.

But it was hard to discern whether her pain at this moment was physiological or psychological.

[Inflicting pain on herself.]

[Is this... punishment?]

[She is punishing herself.]

"I..."

Cheng Hui opened her mouth, seemingly gathering courage.

After taking a deep breath, she spoke softly: "I... really regret it."

"And, blame myself a lot."