Spend King: She Left Me, So I Bought Everything
Chapter 53: The Supreme Audit

Chapter 53: The Supreme Audit

The speakeasy’s walls shuddered as a black-hole briefcase materialized, vomiting out a thousand scrolls stamped "URGENT: FINAL NOTICE."

Nishanth picked one up. "’Failure to comply will result in asset forfeiture, soul repossession, and... mandatory community service?’"

"Worse," Lilith said, her voice tight. "He’s here."

The air crackled as the Supreme God of Taxes descended—a towering figure in a charcoal-gray suit, his face a shifting mosaic of tax codes. His briefcase hummed with the gravitational pull of a dying star.

"Nishanth von Valtros," he intoned, "your fiscal recklessness has destabilized cosmic equilibrium. You are hereby... audited."

Zara snorted. "Can’t audit us if we’re dead!" She lunged, swiping his tie pin—which immediately burst into a Broadway rendition of "Tomorrow" from Annie.

[ DEBUFF ACTIVATED: "ZARA’S SHOWTUNE SWAGGER" ]

[ EFFECT: All stolen items now sing show tunes at max volume ]

The God snapped his fingers. The speakeasy morphed into a Kafkaesque office labyrinth—endless cubicles, flickering fluorescent lights, and the scent of despair.

"Welcome to the Eternal Audit," he said, vanishing. "Escape... if your deductions add up."

Seraphina kicked a filing cabinet. "I’ll take dragons over paperwork."

Lilith traced a claw over a spreadsheet. "These aren’t numbers. They’re predatory algebra. Solve wrong, and we’re taxed into oblivion."

Nishanth grinned. "Zara, steal a calculator. Lilith, hack the system. Seraphina... break something expensive."

[ SYSTEM NOTIFICATION ]

[ NEW QUEST: "SURVIVE TAX SEASON" ]

[ REWARD: A lifetime supply of loopholes (maybe) ]

Zara jammed a singing stapler into a printer, creating a cacophony of "Phantom of the Opera" meets paper jam. "This sucks worse than kale-lollipops!"

"Use it!" Nishanth tossed her a tax form shield. "Distract the Quill Demons!"

She backflipped over a swarm of ink-splattered monsters, her stolen audit quill belting "Cell Block Tango". The demons paused, mesmerized.

"Now, Lilith!"

Lilith’s claws flew across a keyboard. "Override code: Alimony-666."

The labyrinth shuddered. "CODE ACCEPTED," droned a robotic voice. "WELCOME BACK, MRS. TAXES."

Nishanth raised an eyebrow. "Mrs. Taxes?"

Lilith glared. "Don’t. Ask."

They burst into a vault filled with glowing 1099 forms and sentient staplers. At the center floated the God’s Heart—a diamond-shaped ledger pulsing with raw fiscal power.

Seraphina hefted her sword. "Let’s crack it open."

"No," Lilith said quietly. "He’s vulnerable to... empathy."

Nishanth blinked. "You’re joking."

"I wish." She stepped forward. "Remember our honeymoon? You cried during Schindler’s List."

The God materialized, his tax-code facade flickering. "That... was irrelevant."

"You donated 90% of your soul to charity that year," Lilith pressed. "You cared. Before you became... this."

The Heart quivered.

[ GOD OF TAXES: VULNERABILITY DETECTED ]

[ EXPLOIT: "UNFILED EMOTIONS" ]

Nishanth snatched the Heart, his System flaring. "Let’s see... Charitable Donations: 0. Emotional Connections: 0. Soul: Depreciating."

"Reboot him," Zara said, tossing Lilith a USB labeled "Feelings.exe".

Lilith jammed it in. The God screamed as rainbow spreadsheets overrode his code.

"NO! MY... MY BALANCE SHEETS!"

The labyrinth collapsed, spitting them back into reality. The God’s briefcase clattered open, spilling forgotten memories—a photo of him and Lilith at a taxidermy gala, laughing.

[ GOD OF TAXES: NEUTRALIZED (TEMPORARILY) ]

[ TEAM MORALE: CONFUSED BUT VICTORIOUS ]

Back at the speakeasy, Zara nursed a stolen margarita. "So... we just gave God a therapy session?"

Lilith burned the photo. "He’ll be back. But now we know his weakness."

Seraphina polished her sword. "Next time, I’m stabbing first."

Nishanth studied the Heart, now a harmless paperweight. "We need bigger guns. And quieter heists."

A new scroll appeared:

"NOTICE: YOUR TAX EVASION HAS BEEN... CREATIVE. LET’S DISCUSS. —THE VOID."

A figure cloaked in static materialized in the speakeasy, holding a scroll that smelled like burnt spreadsheets.

"The Void offers paradise," it rasped, voice glitching. "No taxes. No debts. Just... simplicity."

Nishanth leaned back, tossing a hellcoin. "What’s the catch?"

The envoy’s form flickered, revealing a black-hole smile. "Nothing complex survives. No contracts. No choices."

Zara snorted. "Hard pass. I like my chaos extra chunky."

The static intensified. "Then perish with your complications."

The envoy vanished, leaving a singing scroll that warbled "Imagine" by John Lennon—off-key.

[ SYSTEM NOTIFICATION ]

[ NEW THREAT: "THE VOID’S SIMPLIFICATION" ]

[ PROGRESS: 0.5% OF REALITY ERASED (R.I.P. BELGIUM) ]

Zara crept through a soundproofed vault, her raccoon tail twitching. The mission: Steal the Silent Dagger from a mime assassin who’d already stolen 12 legendary artifacts... without making a peep.

She spotted it—a blade so quiet, it absorbed sound waves. Perfect for countering her showtune curse.

The mime appeared, miming an invisible wall. Zara rolled her eyes. "Oh please, I invented this sc—"

An invisible fist knocked her into a stack of silent bells.

"Okay, jerk," she hissed, flinging a glitter bomb (now magically muted). The mime slipped on the sparkles, and Zara swiped the dagger—

—which immediately erased her voice.

[ NEW CURSE: "ZARA THE MUTE" ]

[ EFFECT: Can only communicate via interpretive dance ]

Lilith stared at her hidden vault, filled with:

Santa’s cookie addiction logs

The God of Taxes’ karaoke recordings ("Livin’ on a Prayer", off-key)

Mammon’s search history ("How to cry prettily", 12,000 results)

"You kept receipts?" Nishanth said, impressed.

"Divorce tips," Lilith muttered. "The Void wants these. They’re leverage against every cosmic entity."

Seraphina frowned. "Including you."

A notification blared:

[ VOID PROGRESS: 5% – DELETED: TAX FORMS, BEIGE, THE CONCEPT OF ’WEDNESDAY’ ]

The team confronted the Void in its realm—a blank white expanse where the ground hissed "simplify... simplify..."

"Join me," the Void glitched, now resembling a giant eraser. "No more audits. No more noise."

Nishanth grinned. "Counteroffer." He whipped out Lilith’s blackmail files. "Delete us, and I leak everything."

The Void shuddered. "...negotiations accepted."

[ VOID PROGRESS PAUSED ]

[ TEMPORARY TRUCE: "UNTIL THE GOD OF TAXES RETURNS" ]

Seraphina approached Nishanth, holding a dusty elven relic. "My people’s last artifact. It... complicates things."

He raised an eyebrow. "How?"

She smashed it. The air filled with glittering chaos—new taxes, loopholes, and a fresh IRS branch.

The Void screeched. "NO! TOO MUCH PAPERWORK!"

[ REALITY RESTORED: 100% (INCLUDING BELGIUM) ]

[ NEW PROBLEM: "ELVEN TAX CODE" ]

Back at the speakeasy, Zara gestured wildly, miming her hatred of mimes.

"We get it," Lilith sighed. "They’re the worst."

Nishanth toasted. "To complexity!"

A scroll dropped:

"NICE TRICK. SEE YOU IN COURT. – THE GOD OF TAXES"

The ocean floor was littered with crumbling tax forms and kelp-covered calculators. Zara, still mute, gestured frantically at a coral reef shaped like a giant W-2. Nishanth sighed. "The siren’s scream is where?"

Lilith pointed to a neon sign:

"IRS AQUATIC DIVISION: NO SWIMMING DURING AUDIT SEASON."

A school of piranha accountants circled them, led by a jellyfish auditor with glowing tentacles.

"Distract them," Nishanth mouthed to Zara.

She rolled her eyes and launched into an interpretive dance titled "I Hate Mimes." The piranha paused, mesmerized by her jazz hands.

[ ZARA’S DANCE SKILLS: CRITICAL HIT ]

[ DISTRACTION SUCCESSFUL (FOR NOW) ]

The siren’s scream was stored in a pearl the size of a minivan, guarded by a kraken with a briefcase.

"That’s... new," Tax Evasion muttered, adjusting her snorkel.

Zara mimed a plan: Steal the pearl, swap it with a glitter bomb, flee before the kraken notices.

"Brilliant," Nishanth deadpanned. "If you die, I’m deducting your funeral costs."

Zara flipped him off, diving toward the pearl. The kraken’s tentacle snapped up—but Seraphina speared it with a harpoon made of tax liens.

"Go!" she mouthed, bubbles swirling.

Zara grabbed the pearl—and her voice exploded back in a deafening shriek: "ABOUT DAMN TIME!"

[ CURSE BROKEN: ZARA’S VOICE RESTORED (VOLUME: 11/10) ]

[ KRAKEN STATUS: PISSED ]

Lilith stood before the God of Taxes’ new office: a skyscraper built from overdue notices. She clutched the karaoke tape labeled "Honeymoon Horror."

"You kept receipts," the God sneered, his form flickering between accountant and storm cloud. "Pathetic."

"You kept feelings," Lilith shot back, slotting the tape into a boombox.

The God’s voice warbled through the speakers: ♪"I... I will always loathe youuuu... ♪*

His tax-code facade cracked. "TURN IT OFF!"

Lilith advanced. "Admit you’re a fraud, or I leak this to the Celestial Tabloids."

The God roared, unleashing a paper tornado, but Lilith stood firm. "I’ll always be your worst deduction."

[ GOD OF TAXES: EGO DAMAGED ]

[ LILITH’S SATISFACTION: MAXIMUM ]

Back at the speakeasy, the team faced a new hell: Elven Tax Day.

"Why are there 12 forms for breathing?!" Nishanth yelled, buried under parchment.

Seraphina grumbled, "Elves love bureaucracy. And glitter."

Zara, voice restored, belted "I Will Survive" while shredding documents. "Call this a write-off!"

Lilith, nursing a hell-wine, smirked. "Just wait for the quarterly estimated guilt payments."

[ REALITY GLITCH: THE VOID WHISPERS "SIMPLIFY..." IN THE WALLS ]

The static envoy reappeared, flickering like a bad Zoom call. "Your chaos is... entertaining. But temporary."

Nishanth tossed a singing stapler at it. "Tell your boss we’re not done."

The envoy dissolved, leaving a single word etched in the air:

"SOON."

[ VOID PROGRESS: 10% – DELETED: PAPERCLIPS, THE COLOR BEIGE (AGAIN) ]

Zara collapsed onto a stolen beanbag. "Next time, let’s rob something simple. Like a dragon."

Seraphina sharpened her sword. "Dragons are less paperwork."

Lilith raised her glass. "To complications."

Nishanth grinned, flipping open a new scroll:

"NOTICE: YOUR APPLICATION FOR ’BEST FANTASY TAX EVADERS’ HAS BEEN DENIED. APPEAL? Y/N."

The speakeasy flickered like a dying lightbulb. Walls melted into static, and half of Zara’s margarita ceased to exist.

"It’s back!" she yelled, dodging a patch of void that erased the concept of elbow joints.

Lilith cursed, slamming her ledger shut. "The Void’s accelerating. It’s deleting anything ’complicated’—like doors, sarcasm, and credit scores."

Nishanth tossed her a glitching gold coin. "Then let’s give it a migraine."

[ SYSTEM NOTIFICATION ]

[ VOID PROGRESS: 15% – DELETED: STAIRS, THE NUMBER 7, LEFT SOCKS ]

A roar shook the speakeasy as a dragon with bifocals crash-landed, clutching a flaming audit notice.

"NISHANTH VON VALTROS," it hissed, smoke curling from its nostrils. "YOU FAILED TO REPORT DRAGON HOARD INCOME."

Zara grinned. "Finally, a fun audit!" She lunged, swiping a diamond-encrusted tax form from its claw.

The dragon sneezed, torching the bar. "RESISTANCE = PENALTIES + INTEREST."

Seraphina stepped forward, sword raised. "I know this dragon. It incinerated my convent."

"Correction," the dragon said. "I depreciated it."

[ BATTLE START: TEAM CHAOS VS. TAX-BREATHING DRAGON ]

Zara vaulted onto the dragon’s back, stabbing the Silent Dagger into its scales. "Give me your loot or—"

The blade flashed, and the dragon transmuted into solid gold—along with Zara’s hand.

"Uh... this isn’t part of the plan!" She wiggled her golden fingers. "Cool, though."

[ NEW CURSE: "MIDAS MISHAP" ]

[ EFFECT: 10% chance to turn stolen items (or limbs) to gold ]

Lilith stormed into the Celestial Court, slamming the karaoke tape onto the judge’s bench. "Your honor, I present Exhibit A: The God of Taxes singing ’Careless Whisper’ while drunk on eggnog."

The courtroom screens flickered to life. The God, in reindeer pajamas, warbled: ♪ "Guilty feet have got no rhythm..." ♪

"OBJECTION!" the God screamed, his tax-code armor cracking.

Lilith smirked. "Move to dismiss all charges... or this goes viral."

The judge—a sentient gavel—sighed. "Case dismissed. And someone get me earplugs."

[ GOD OF TAXES: PUBLICLY HUMILIATED ]

[ LILITH’S REPUTATION: DEVILISH QUEEN TRENDING ]

Tax Evasion hacked the Void’s core with a pirated copy of Windows 95. "Eat malware, you overgrown eraser!"

The Void glitched, desperately trying to delete .jpeg artifacts and pop-up ads.

"NO! TOO... COMPLICATED!"

[ VOID PROGRESS: HALTED AT 20% – DELETED: SPAM EMAILS, NFTs, TIKTOK DANCES ]

Seraphina faced the golden dragon, her blade at its throat. "Why my convent?"

The dragon’s gemstone eyes dimmed. "You housed a holy relic... which I needed to offset capital gains."

Nishanth tossed it a tax forgiveness scroll. "Work for me, and I’ll write it off."

The dragon melted back to flesh, sighing. "Fine. But I want dental."

[ NEW ALLY: "TABITHA THE TAX DRAGON" ]

[ SKILL: "Inferno Audit" – Burns fraud to ash ]

As the team celebrated, the static envoy flickered one last time.

"You win... this round," it glitched. "But simplicity always prevails."

The speakeasy’s door reappeared—but now it was a blank white rectangle.

Nishanth kicked it open, revealing a featureless void. "Next time, bring better threats."

[ TO BE CONTINUED.... ]