A Time of Tigers - From Peasant to Emperor
Chapter 1691 - 1691: Like a Bird - Part 8

"Then in this hand, Nila," Oliver said. "There's something that I fear even more."

He clenched that fist. "That little lightness on that battlefield. That little glimpse of something. Something beyond me. Heights that I've never flown to. Victories that I could never achieve. Not the Boundaries that Claudia offered me, not the strategy that Volguard sought to put into me, or the sword that Dominus struggled to teach me. But something else. I fear that thing. It's right there, tempting me, begging me to look and listen. But I fear for what I might become if I do. I was forced to in that battle, to turn towards it ever so slightly – and look how I had to operate. Our men must have thought me the strangest man on the planet."

"Perhaps," Nila offered. "Perhaps it was strange – but it worked, didn't it? Because it was strange, that was the very reason it overcame Fitzer and Tussle and the Emersons."

"…Maybe, Nila," Oliver said. "It tears at me. I think it's as if fear exists, and then every part of me tries to find a thing to fear. A reason to feel the fear even more. Some things drive me towards movement, but they worry me even more. There's something… There's something strange. When I heard that the enemy were approaching – as Blackthorn put it – when he said that we had a matter of weeks before they came… I felt relief, Nila."

He looked at her, desperation written over the entirety of his face. "What in the name of the Gods does that mean? Those weeks leading up to the battle with the Emersons? Did I pretend that anguish? Am I just a monster that craves battle? How has it been worse in these weeks that have followed the battle – how is the warmth of victory that much more crushing?"

"You didn't," Nila said, grasping for his arm, and digging her fingers in, before he could lose himself too firmly in his own thoughts. She forced him to look at her. "You didn't," Nila said. "You suffered more than anyone. You did everything you could. You did the impossible. You burned yourself, Oliver, so that we might achieve that victory – and that was why these men died for you. Because they could feel the burden that you took upon yourself, the heights that you aim to reach."

"…Why the relief, then, Nila?" Oliver said.

"A long time ago," Nila said, "do you remember? I followed you around with my bow when you were hunting monsters."

"Ah… yes," Oliver said, smiling at the memory. "That was when we had first met, wasn't it? Dominus had set me those tests."

"Those ridiculous tests," Nila said, nodding. "You'd hurt your leg, and you were still pushing yourself to fight that Hobgoblin. I could not have been more furious with the two of you. It was soooo stupid. I didn't understand it. And I didn't understand why it is that I couldn't keep up with you in that… Or why it felt so wrong to try and force myself in that direction – to try and do what you did. I thought that was surely where I ought to be. I thought that, just because you were a boy, there wasn't any reason I couldn't match you…"

"Mm," Oliver said.

"And I still hold to that!" Nila said. "Just because you were a boy – I would never lose to you. Or any other boy for that matter. I swear it!"

"Yes, yes, I do believe you," Oliver said, grinning at her, having heard the same thing a thousand times before.

"But… For that to be true, I'd have to have the feeling that it was the right thing to do," Nila said. "When I hold my bow, it's right. It feels right, like I'm where I should be. I could stay for months in the forest, in the cold, and be hurt all the while, but I'd still be happy with my bow."

"Please don't," Oliver said. "That would be a terrifying few months to have to wait through."

"If you'd let me finish…" Nila said.

"Sorry, sorry…" Oliver said.

"Only when I saw you fight that Hobgoblin did I realize," Nila said. "That was your world, the world of the sword. Dominus told me that I would find my answer, my way forward, in watching you. And I believed him, because he seemed so wise… And he was right, even if it wasn't in the way he thought it to be. There are things that we are meant to do, Oliver, things that feel right. For you, once, it was the sword… But now, I wonder, perhaps it was more than that?"

"…What do you mean to say, Nila?" Oliver said.

"You speak of your First King," Nila said. "Almost too much for my liking, and you say he was insane for the way he could do battle with so many human lives, and take all those risks, and if it were all a grand fantastic game… For a normal man, maybe it is. When I listen to it, I think the same thing… But I don't think you're a normal man, Oliver. Well, I mean, that's obvious."

"What are you saying?" Oliver pressed. He was hardly looking at her as if she was Nila any longer. He was enraptured enough that she might have been a messenger from the Gods themselves. She almost gulped, but found herself surprised by her own lack of nervousness. It was as if she was saying exactly what she needed to say – exactly what was right to say.

"For you, Oliver, that natural place, it might be the battlefield," Nila said. "You suffer when you are away from it, and you are excited to return to it. Is that not true?"

"It is, Nila… But—"

"But, but… What it means to command?" Nila said. "I know. We've talked about this before, and you know my opinion. I think it's a cruelty. That's why I could never be a soldier. I despise those that send their men to their deaths, just because it's their duty, or whatever. To rob homes of families, for causes beyond themselves… I've never understood it, and I still find myself hating them… But… But I don't know everything. Even though I feel that way, isn't it strange how, the way you treat your men, and the choices they make for themselves, it doesn't seem like tyranny, Oliver."